A grief happened in your family - a person died. What to do?
Christianity does not like the word "death" very much. It exudes grave cold and hopelessness. We use other expressions, for example, dormition.
Dormition - sleep, falling asleep. The body fell asleep in a deathly sleep, but the soul is alive, the soul is awake ...
Or another word - resignation. We pray for the newly-departed servant of God. Was with us - moved to another world.
For Christians, death is just a transition to another level of being, a departure to God. And a funeral for Christians is not a terrible farewell to a person who was, and now he is gone, but a farewell to another world of a loved one, whose soul is immortal.
And we must lead a person beyond the borders of the earthly world with dignity. A worthy farewell is a church burial.
It is performed only on a baptized Orthodox person.
Go to any temple and talk to the women selling candles or the priest. There you will be told how to organize a funeral, how to order a commemoration. All this is a well-thought-out and, if I may say so, well-established procedure, so that you will be treated with attention and delicacy and will not be tormented by bureaucratic nit-picking (as is often the case in government bodies).
We usually bury the funeral in the temple on the day of the funeral. Then the deceased is taken to the cemetery, and in the temple his name remains recorded for church commemoration. They pray for him.
What are the types of prayers for the deceased?
A lot of them. For example, a memorial service is a small service during which we ask God to forgive the sins of the deceased, to accept him into the Kingdom of Heaven. (It is memorial services that are served in cemeteries when we invite a priest to visit the grave.)
The highest form of commemoration is at the Liturgy. Then the commemorated people become participants in Communion, unite with Christ. At any Liturgy, the living who are in the church (for example, you and me) commune with the soul, and all those for whom they pray, even if the person has died, partake of the soul.
In candle stalls where notes are accepted, they usually write: “To mass” or “To proskomedia”. This is exactly what commemoration at the Liturgy means.
What is a magpie?
And this is the commemoration of the deceased at the Liturgy, which will be performed for 40 days. (I’ll clarify: many people think that the magpie commemoration is ordered only for the dead. This is not so: for the magpie, they also serve about health.)
In addition, you can order a commemoration for six months, a year, and even ... forever. Eternal remembrance is the remembrance of a person, which will be performed in this temple as long as the temple stands. (After the revolution, when churches and monasteries were closed and books were seized from them, memorial lists from pre-Mongol times were found.)
Excuse me, but if the person was not baptized?..
We can only pray for an unbaptized person ourselves - at home or in church. In the notes submitted for remembrance, we do not write the names of the unbaptized. This does not mean that such a person is cursed, as one sometimes hears from ignorant people. (I myself have unbaptized relatives, whom I remember with warmth and love.) It’s just that the Church prays during worship only for its members, people who want to be Christians, or those for whom this decision was made by parents (if a person was baptized in infancy) !
What do the 3rd, 9th, 40th days after death mean?
I won't talk about it in detail, but these are special days for the soul that has been separated from the body. These days, as well as on the anniversary of death (this is, as it were, a new birthday, that is, a birth on new life) you need to come to the temple and pray for the deceased.
How long to mourn?
A few days ago a woman came to my temple and asked for a blessing to get married. At the same time, she added: "I am a widow." I asked when she buried her husband. "It's been almost six months now..."
This is the very example when we do something wrong ... Until the year we pray for the deceased as a newly reposed, at the same time you can wear mourning. Although there are such losses that even after many years it is difficult to come to terms with the loss ...
In conclusion, I would like to recall the words of St. Theophan the Recluse, our patriotic ascetic of the 19th century. He once said: "Let's cry for the deceased ... But cry like a Christian!" This means that in our tears there should be no hopelessness and despair. This separation is not forever, but only for a while. In due time we will all meet beyond the threshold of this life.”
Moreover! The person who “left” us can participate in our life, he hears our requests, he loves us. When we pray for the deceased, by this we establish a connection with him, as if extending a hand of support to him.
Lastly, we will all stand before God. And let us give Him an answer in the way we lived. While it is not too late, while it is still possible to fix something (when we die, there will be nothing to fix), to repent, to change for the better - let's use this opportunity.
It is accepted that all friends and acquaintances come to the funeral, even if they do not receive a special written invitation, because, with such deep grief, it is easy to forget one or the other.
Close relatives and friends of the deceased person who are in the same city are informed personally by the daughter, granddaughter, niece, or in writing through a messenger. Living in other cities, one of the remaining members of the family informs in writing, even after the funeral.
Politeness requires responding to such a letter with condolences. The latter should not include grandiloquent or comforting phrases; it should briefly and clearly express our sincere condolences and, in a few words, appreciate the merits of the deceased.
Good form also requires that, upon receiving or reading the notice of the death of a person with whom one was in a strained relationship, to appear at her funeral in order to show that death interrupted all hostility, and they do not continue beyond the grave. Everyone will find in this good trait, and the rest, perhaps, will even be grateful.
It hardly needs to be mentioned that both at funerals and at memorial services, men must be in a black dress and gloves of the same kind. The ladies wear black wool dresses; acquaintances can also wear black silk, it will not be against the rules good manners. Crepe on the hat and sleeve and men is required only in case of kinship.
Entering the room before the start of the memorial service, they shake hands with the closest relative of the deceased and express their condolences in a few words. This must be done soon, because every superfluous word, every consolation will be completely out of place and will only inflame a fresh wound. In the same way, relatives with whom you are more familiar should shake hands, but expressing your condolences is superfluous; the rest make a mute bow. Where deep sorrow is very clearly shown, one must be content with a single shake of the hand.
It is assumed that all attending memorial services and funerals are aware of former relationship heirs to the deceased, and therefore one should beware of expressing one's condolences to cheerful, happy with the death of the deceased heirs. This always makes an unpleasant impression on those present and casts a shadow of hypocrisy on us.
The manner of carrying oneself must, of course, be in accordance with the sad and serious event that gave rise to this meeting. In the house of sorrow, near the coffin, loud conversations, jerky and noisy movements are not allowed. It is not necessary to choose the merits of the deceased, the chronicle of his illness, or, finally, the grief of those who remained as the subject of your conversation. Serious calmness is the basic rule in such cases; we show our participation much more by silence than by a loud expression of our condolences. participating in funeral procession and during the procession must maintain a serious dignity.
There are no rules on how to arrange a funeral. Everything depends on accepted customs, which may be different in each city, and on means. Here they go straight to the cemetery, there they go behind the coffin, here they put the coffin on the road, there it is carried by men, etc., but everywhere it is customary for the clergy, and if the means allow, the Orthodox singers, to go in front of the sad chariot, behind it next of kin on foot.
The deepest mourning is required of a widow mourning her husband. The custom requires that the widow wear at least 1 year of mourning, namely: the first 6 months - deep, and the remaining 6 months ordinary mourning. To put on a colored dress before this time means to mock the feeling, and even a widow who has no reason to mourn the death of her husband as a great misfortune of her life will never dare to show such heartlessness!
However, grief is a matter of the heart, and outsiders cannot judge it; but they will always find it delicate if the widow continues her period of mourning.
If they continue the period of mourning, then in the second year after the death of the husband they wear: the first half of the year is ordinary, and the second is semi-mourning.
In ordinary mourning, the crepe veil is removed, and silk and muslin can be worn instead of matte fabrics. Only when they are in semi-mourning are they added to black, white and gray colors, and no one will find it reprehensible if the widow marries at this time, which cannot be in deep mourning. It is impossible to give a rule about remarriage. It depends solely on personal circumstances.
It is customary for older women who have had the misfortune of becoming a widow to wear mourning even longer and generally not to wear light dresses for a longer time.
It is good manners for a widower to mourn for half as long as for a widow. His mourning lasts six months, after which he can marry, and no one will condemn him. However, if there is no need, or the widower does not wish to marry soon, it is good manners to approve if he continues the ordinary mourning for the next 6 months.
Both the widower and the widow must be careful not to do anything against good manners. By the way they behave during mourning, the world judges the former marital happiness and tries to draw a conclusion about their future way of life.
It is customary to wear mourning for parents for a year, namely: 6 months - deep, 3 months - ordinary and 3 months - semi-mourning.
For grandparents, mourning is worn for only six months: 3 months - deep and 3 - semi-mourning. For uncle and aunt - 3 months, and for brother and sister - 6 months.
Wearing mourning for distant relatives is at the request of everyone and depends entirely on the disposition towards the deceased or in the case of receiving an inheritance from him. Heirs are expected to mourn themselves as for their closest relative, even though they almost did not know him during their lifetime. There is also nothing definite for mourning for a child. Of course, the light sees mourning as a measure of love for the deceased, but he cannot measure the depth of sorrow in the hearts of parents, which often lasts a lifetime - time, of course, can ease, but not cure, suffering!
Children under the age of 12 wear mourning only for their parents and grandparents.
Indeed, death leads to many serious thoughts.
Look at those weeping and mourning at the dear grave: how the smallest sin against the deceased is resurrected in their memory when it is too late; how many things burden their conscience, which they did not think about, lightly forgetting the day of death; how much they would like to change and improve, if it were still possible!
Look at the dying themselves! How the certainty of an imminent death takes away from them all bitterness of the heart; ". how willingly they forget all the injustices experienced; with what joy they stretch out the hand of reconciliation to the most serious offender. How willingly they want to forget everything and destroy what in some way puts a barrier between them and their neighbors, in order to leave all a good memory!
The time of mourning is the time of deepening into oneself.
Sooner or later, everyone is faced with the loss of loved ones. How to properly organize the ceremony of farewell to the deceased, what rules must be followed, how to behave during the period of mourning and how long it lasts - these questions arise before many people who are faced with death.
Mourning is a spiritual grief for a deceased person, which has an external manifestation and requires the observance of certain rules of conduct. During the mourning period, the mourner refuses to attend entertainment and entertainment events, wears clothes of a certain color, and observes some restrictions in Everyday life. Each religion has its own rules and rituals that should be followed during mourning for the deceased. These features must be taken into account, since neglect can become offensive to the relatives and friends of the deceased.
Mourning in world religions
Different cultures have their own characteristics and rules of conduct during the days of mourning for the deceased.- orthodoxy- in most cases, it lasts from 40 days to a year, the mourner himself determines the duration of mourning;
- Muslims- Islam does not recommend wearing mourning robes for more than 3 days, the only exception is widows who observe mourning for 4 lunar months and 10 days;
- Buddhism- depending on the degree of kinship, mourning is from 49 to 100 days.
- Africa - mourning for the deceased is accompanied by chopping off fingers and cutting hair, widows do not leave for a month enclosed space, after which they inflict deep wounds on the limbs and chest with a sharp stone.
- Japan - the deceased is mourned for 49 days, after which it is believed that his soul leaves the world of the living.
- Korea - relatives wear mourning for the deceased for 30 days.
- China - the duration of mourning for deceased parents is 3 years.
How to properly mourn
Christianity highlights several important points in commemoration of the deceased - the third, ninth and fortieth day after the burial. During this period, close relatives must observe mourning. External manifestation spiritual sadness for the deceased is to wear mourning clothes. For the Orthodox, black is considered the traditional mourning color, although in some religions it is allowed to replace it with gray or another dark shade.
Basic rules of conduct in the days of mourning:
- refusal to wear clothes bright colors;
- bright makeup, catchy, festive decorations are not recommended;
- you can not attend entertainment events and entertainment venues;
- it is not recommended to drink alcoholic beverages;
- for a year after the death of a loved one, it is necessary to pray for the repose of his soul;
- A widow cannot marry for at least a year after the death of her husband.
How much to mourn
The observance of mourning in Orthodoxy lasts at least 40 days from the moment of the burial of the deceased. During this period, close relatives wear mournful clothes, women wear black scarves. It is believed that on the 40th day after death, the soul of the deceased finally leaves the world of the living and goes to the Almighty, where further purification awaits it. That is why it is extremely important to observe strict mourning for at least 40 days after the funeral.
Mourning in Orthodoxy
When answering the question of how long mourning is observed according to the Orthodox, it is imperative to take into account the degree of kinship with the deceased. For example, many clergy believe that the longest period of mourning should be observed by a widow - a year from the moment of her husband's funeral. A widower mourns for the deceased for 6 months. The same period of mourning is established in relation to brothers, sisters, grandparents. In the event of the death of an uncle or aunt, this period is reduced to 3 months.
Mourning for her husband in Orthodoxy
According to the Orthodox religion, during the first 3 days after the death of the body, the soul of the deceased is directly near the members of his family and leaves the world only for 40 days. That is why it is very important to pray every day for the forgiveness of sins for the deceased relative, and if he was a deeply religious person, be sure to order a memorial service in the church.
How to observe mourning for a father?
The Orthodox religion recommends that the children of deceased parents observe all the rules of grief for a year from the moment of burial. After this period, a person can gradually return to his usual clothes and lifestyle.
Mourning for parents in Orthodoxy
Mourning for deceased parents for children continues throughout the first year after their death. At this time, you need to regularly pray for the soul of the deceased parent, attend church, remember your father or mother only with good, kind words.
When premature death child, parents must also observe mourning - at least six months. Although the Orthodox religion knows cases when a mother or father who died only child, observe the rules of grief for the rest of their lives.
Mourning for mother in Orthodoxy
Special days of commemoration of the deceased mother - 3, and 40. These days it is necessary to spend memorial dinner, inviting only the closest relatives and friends to it, order a church service for the repose of the soul of the deceased.
Regarding how much to wear mourning for a dead mother, each person decides this issue for himself individually. If, at the end of the year from the moment of the funeral of the parent, the feeling of deep spiritual grief does not disappear, the duration of mourning can be increased.
Mourning for a deceased relative is not just about wearing black or not attending entertainment events. This is a special way of life, which consists of regular prayers for the salvation of the soul of the deceased, the distribution of alms and the performance of good deeds in memory of the deceased.
Additionally
A sample of the text of obituaries can be found in the media. Article informs about death specific person. The daily newspaper indicates the exact time and date of the memorial service. Nowadays, it loses its relevance, unfortunately. Relatives notify only relatives and friends about the tragic event. Some people don't know what happened. There are many people who knew him during his lifetime and would not want to be left out. For such cases, there are death notices in the newspapers.
An obituary, in its essence, is sad news about what happened to people who do not yet know about death. Usually compiled from a team: colleagues, relatives. It is a photograph of the deceased and an article with short biography. A sample obituary in the newspaper is provided in the photo.
Relatives and friends in farewell speech express personal grief. Colleagues, colleagues and acquaintances may not always be present at the funeral. A team in which a person has worked for more than one year cannot remain indifferent to the tragedy. Colleagues often experience loss more than friends who rarely see each other. Do not forget that most people spend much more time at work than with their family.
The differences in writing an obituary from relatives or colleagues lies only in the very attitude towards the deceased. Relatives and friends usually indicate personality traits that deserve attention: kindness, attitude towards people. Everything that was valued in this man. Colleagues focus on professional qualities. All this below in the text.
There is no single sample obituary for everyone, just as there are no two people with the same fate. True, the best death notices to colleagues are often kept in the trade union department. Obituary samples are divided into age categories, male or female, manager or employee.
If there is no such sample, then it is not difficult to write an obituary on behalf of your team yourself. There are no strict rules in writing an obituary. The text is somewhat concise. Only dry official language not welcome, in the absence of defining phrases. Your team will definitely notify you “with regret”, etc. Stick to a few ingredients, and you end up with a full obituary text.
- Full data is placed next to the photo in a black frame:
Full Name.
Date of birth and date of death.
- The first line of an obituary article usually begins with an indication of the team of which enterprise or organization reports the sad news. It can also be distant relatives and friends of the deceased. Do not forget to add the phrase "regretfully." A naked statement will serve as a bitter reminder of the loss of the relatives of the deceased.
- What year did he die? What was the reason for this (suddenly, after prolonged illness, as a result of an accident, etc.)
- Briefly describe biographical facts, mentioning the importance individual moments for society and family. Colleagues in obituaries indicate milestones career development what degrees and titles he achieved. Highlight the main achievements in professional field, what benefit brought to the production, in the business of the company.
For loved ones first human qualities. All the things for which he was valued and respected. For example, “he was a support for relatives”, “ loving spouse and father."
- For an obituary in a newspaper, it used to be necessary to indicate the surviving relatives by seniority. In our time, it will not be superfluous if you write words of consolation in a similar form: “he was a hope and support for his elderly parents”, “ loving husband and father of two small children.
- In conclusion, be sure to write that the memory of him will remain in the hearts.
- The last line can be a short, relevant quotation or epitaph.
- If the publication of the newspaper to which the obituary is submitted is daily, then the time and place of the burial must be indicated.
In conclusion, I would like to say that the obituary is not just a tribute to tradition. From a well-written obituary even stranger may well imagine: who he was, what he had to endure and achieve for his life path. An obituary is a sign of respect for the deceased from the living and remembering him.
Often pride does not allow loved ones to ask for help at such a moment, although they need it more than ever. Therefore, paragraph 5 was previously required in the obituary. From it it becomes clear who exactly needs help, words of support.
Sometimes fate disposes in such a way that only an obituary is able to make people meet. For the last time, to say goodbye with dignity and ask for forgiveness. Do not deprive friends of this opportunity, and relatives - help. The obituary needs to be revived.
The Internet has become a full-fledged replacement for television and radio broadcasting and publications in newspapers. You can post farewell lines on your social media page. networks. Many acquaintances and most of your friends will learn about the sad news. After such news, is it possible to post something later? Can a message on the Internet replace an obituary in a newspaper?
With the change of generations, the values of culture also change. Time will show. IN this moment messages on social networks are not an obituary in the full sense of the word. Everything is mixed on different sites. The post of farewell to the deceased will steadily slide down the “wall” of the page. Tears and sorrow are soon replaced by carelessness and fun. Each subsequent post will cross out all the sincerity of the written words.
At the word, the epitaph immediately appears short inscription on the monument. Endowed with the ability to keep wisdom and inconsolable grief for centuries. More than one generation will change until a tombstone made of granite or marble is destroyed. Nothing lasts forever in this world. Monument from the word "memory". To put an epitaph on a monument means to express respect for the deceased, preserving his memory for many centuries.
Historically, the birthplace of epitaphs is Ancient Greece. Under this concept, any speech over the grave was designated. From the Greek "epi" - over and "taphos" - grave. Only then did it become words on stone. In the Renaissance, the elite sections of the population on the monuments indicated the stages of the birth of their kind, praised the virtue of the deceased and all his relatives with maximum pathos. Perhaps, thanks to this, historians had the opportunity to study in detail the life and life of that time.
IN ancient world similar inscriptions on the plates are found everywhere. IN Ancient Egypt hieroglyphs on sarcophagi and writing on the graves of Babylon. China and Japan transferred their Eastern philosophy from antiquity in epitaphs. For example, the saying: "it is not difficult to die, it is difficult to live."
In Western culture, it is customary to pick up a gravestone inscription for oneself during one's lifetime. It makes sense. Who knows better than ourselves, if not ourselves? You can send a message to posterity, or indicate what to strive for. Even fears can make you write an epitaph for yourself. According to one of the legends, the writer W. Shakespeare was afraid that the robbers of the cemeteries would dig up his body. Therefore, the inscription reads in a free translation: "He who has not touched is blessed for centuries, and he who touches my ashes will be cursed."
Thanks to Peter the Great European traditions began to take root in Russia. Guaranteed, adopted the rituals of perpetuating the memory of the deceased after traveling through European countries. It is not given to everyone to compose thoughtful quatrains, therefore poets of that time were attracted to this. Pushkin A.S. did not shy away from this genre. Epitaph of A.S. Pushkin for himself:
“Here Pushkin is buried; he is with a young muse,
With love, laziness spent a merry age,
He did not do good, but he was a soul,
By God, good man."
The attitude towards life and oneself immediately becomes clear. Not everyone wants the memory of him in the hearts to give pain and sorrow. There are many who treat everything with ease and humor. On one of the tombstones there is an inscription: "If you were lying, I would read." We can say with confidence that a man with humor is buried there and chose it during his lifetime. There are many such examples. Eminent poets and writers composed epitaphs. On the monument of rock musician Igor Talkov, the epitaph is the words of one of his songs: "And defeated in battle, I will rise and sing." Perhaps when he composed these lines in his song, he wrote it precisely as an epitaph. By this he immortalized his principles and remained in the memory of the people.
To compose an epitaph for yourself during your lifetime means to preserve your memory in exactly the form that, in your perception, reflects your inner world in the best possible way. Do not shift this burden onto the shoulders of inconsolable relatives. Your loved ones will have a hard time. Maybe your epitaph will serve as a reminder to them that death is just a transition from one world to another. Let us recall the epitaph of Pushkin A.S. At that time, the philosophy of Epicureanism prophesied that death should not be feared: “As long as we exist, there is no death. When there is death, we are no more.”
We offer you a selection of epitaphs on our website Easy Funeral. But before you start looking for ready-made epitaphs, try to answer one question: “What kind of epitaph would you write for yourself?” Perhaps this epitaph will become what you are looking for. Writing epitaphs is not as easy as it seems. In 2-4 lines, put the whole meaning of the life lived, preserving a worthy memory of yourself for centuries.
"Always expect, but do not fear death, both are true traits of wisdom."
Saint John Chrysostom
Can you tell with certainty where great-grandparents are buried? What did the ancestors do before the revolution of 1917? What were they like? Many do not have this information. One century has passed. We do not remember the past, so there is no future. In the past, there was no unified database of deceased people. Several decades pass and the connection between generations is lost. Roots and family traditions are forgotten.
This is due to the fact that parents did not talk much about their parents. Grandparents do not remember about their ancestors. In one century, more than one change of residence, cities and countries could occur. It is possible that your family is not from the same places as you think. On the Internet, you can only find where the graves of celebrities are. Burial places ordinary people are usually forgotten and they become neglected.
To prevent this from happening, a "Virtual Cemetery" was created on our website. The Book of Memory is a database of deceased people. It will help to keep everything that you think is important to remember. The Internet cemetery allows you to post a photo of the grave, photographs and videos of a person, to establish the exact coordinates of the burial. If you live in another area, order a service on our website for the care of the specified grave, delivery of flowers to the grave or relatives. Perhaps distant relatives decide to visit the grave. The entered data will allow you to find it.
Let relatives and friends honor the memory of the deceased on the virtual cemetery page. They can complement everything that you wrote about the deceased earlier. In the Internet cemetery there is an opportunity to put a candle to the deceased, to make a virtual gift. Remember, a virtual candle is not a substitute for a real one in church and prayer for the repose. The usual sign of attention relatives. The deceased is not forgotten, he is remembered. Grieving people need such signs of support in a difficult moment for them. In the "Links" tab in one place you can collect all the links on the Internet that mention your relative or close person, including the links of the deceased person to pages in social networks.
We do not affect the interests of religious people of different faiths. The Easy Funeral website aims to keep the memory of those who have passed away alive.
Close the page from prying eyes if you consider the information to be purely personal. Sometimes the burden of unspoken words to a dead person becomes unbearable. Write on the page of the book of memory, everything that you did not have time to say personally. It will seem that your message has been read. Believe me, it will become much easier.
If you wish, you can make this page your diary and share your bitterness and sorrow, achievements and joy. It is especially difficult for those who, due to the great remoteness from the place of burial, cannot do this in reality. The book of memory will allow you to find such an outlet. If you are experiencing a loss very hard, then we recommend that you read the article on how to deal with grief after death.
It is not at all necessary to be an important person in life in order to keep the memory of us. Why, along with the graves of celebrities, do not allow future generations to find on the Internet where your family and friends are buried? will keep the memory of the dead forever.
How do you deal with grief after the death of a loved one? There is already a wrong approach to the problem in the formulation of the question. A couple of effective tips will help you cope with the state of depression and return to your usual lifestyle. Let's start with the fact that you should not try to deal with grief. You will be unsuccessfully at war with yourself. This is the part inner world. your experiences and memories. Trying to suppress emotions will get you nowhere. Let your pain out, let it out!
Do not artificially suppress your feelings.Trying to muffle the pain, they often look for a way out in intoxication, when all feelings are dulled. Hangover syndrome greatly increases longing and anxiety. Everything that is said and done in a drunken stupor causes a feeling of guilt the next day. Trying to get rid of depression leads to the opposite result. Depression develops at an accelerated rate. It is very easy in such a situation to become an alcoholic or a drug addict.
Nobody likes to listen to advice that has long become a cliché: “don’t drink, you will become an alcoholic”, “cry and you will feel better.” It is wrong to ignore phrases that have been repeated by different people for centuries. If the semantic load would not correspond to reality, why then did these words come down to us through the centuries? All right. Ordinary logic confirms that drunkenness is not an option. Therefore, crying can also relieve pain.
Pride does not allow many to shed tears in vain. Don't want to show weakness in front of others? In this case, you just need to cry alone. Throw out all the burden of accumulated experiences. Drunk tears give no consolation. Crying drunk in the company does not cause sincere sympathy. Only pity bordering on contempt. And you feel ashamed when you sober up. Therefore, only in solitude, without any alcohol. Let the tears flow as long as the weary mind requires.
The opposite situations arise. Tears flow like a river and do not bring any relief. Everything is strictly individual. This is the attitude of each to the tragedy that has occurred through the prism of his personal worldview. Can not be universal means. There is no panacea for grief. But what if we could come up with a drug that could help you get rid of your depression? No need to buy expensive drugs. Just dilute 30-50 drops of this remedy in boiled water and drink 1 hour before meals. This miracle remedy is nothing more than the usual motherwort tincture. It is used to prevent depression.
If you rely only on this tool, then you did not carefully read what was written earlier. To get out of a depressed state, you need to let your grief out. Suppressing your feelings will increase your depression. There is another method that can help those who shed tears incessantly. And the one who does not cry because of natural restraint. Therapy by Artur Yanov.
Cry therapy.
Arthur Janov is an American psychologist and psychotherapist. The author of the theory of treatment "Primary cry". This therapy is not only suitable for those who experience grief after the death of a loved one. Recommended for those on the edge nervous breakdown. Hidden emotions inside reach a critical mass and the outcome of this explosion is difficult to predict.
Children scream in pain and resentment. Adults do not hold back from screaming in a major quarrel. As a result, they are released from the negative charge of negative emotions that have accumulated over time. This gives a positive effect. The feeling that you are completely cleared of negative energy. There is balance, peace and tranquility.
If you had to lose someone close to you, then the cry itself breaks out. Inconsolable widows and mothers scream without embarrassment, because the pain is unbearable. She can't be kept inside. Nature itself asks that a surge of negative emotions come out of a person in a cry.
Comparing physical pain with mental pain. The sharp pain from hitting the finger with a hammer will lead to an unconscious scream. Crying is the obligatory follower of pain. One of the main mitigating factors from grief.
In the US, cry therapy is done in groups. For half an hour, everyone screams at each other intensely to get rid of negative emotions. You can relieve stress alone. To do this, you need to find a secluded place where no one will interfere. The main thing is that you yourself have invested in this cry in full. Not distracted by thoughts of what they might hear.
Plan a field trip if possible. A short-term change of scenery can have a positive effect on you. For residents countryside and small towns, it will not be difficult to find a deaf and deserted place. A strong effect gives a cry in the mountains or near water bodies.
For residents major cities scream therapy can take place in a wasteland, wasteland, or wharf. Consider the time so that there are no strangers. You can scream from the roof of houses and balconies. WITH high altitude the scream is not heard below. Shout in the car, or at work if conditions permit, at home into your pillow or without hiding out loud. It depends on the environment in which one is completely predisposed to withdraw all the pain that has accumulated.
Concentrate so that the feeling of grief is overwhelmed entirely. Remember all the moments that you tried to forget before, what causes the most severe pain: news of death, sadness of loss. Remember everything that you had to endure after the death of a loved one and the funeral itself in detail. Put all this longing into a cry. Loud and lingering. Scream until your lungs burn from lack of oxygen. It doesn't matter what you scream. The main thing is that it comes from the depths of the soul. This cry is a farewell to a loved one. Let him hear and understand how hard it is without him.
Even if it happens that someone else suddenly hears your cry of pain. Do you think everyone will immediately rush to help? The cry of pain cannot be confused with anything. Rather the opposite. The casual hearer will run away. Everyone diligently avoids pain. Why should you keep it to yourself? Scream until you feel absolute emptiness in yourself.
This is the peace that can bring you out of a protracted depression. It remains only to fill this spiritual emptiness with positive emotions.
It's all relatively simple once you figure it out. Artur Yanov's scream therapy is able to take you out of the cyclical state inherent in depressed people after the death of a loved one. As soon as you feel that insurmountable grief begins to occupy your consciousness again, remember about scream therapy.
Find an environment where yelling is okay. Now there is no need to be alone. On the contrary, a mass gathering of people will quickly help you return to reality. Fans of football, hockey or basketball teams chant in such a way that screaming becomes the norm. Maybe it's a KVN competition. Choose an event to your liking. Shout, at the same time enjoy the game, get distracted.
Avoid loneliness.Talking to friends and family will help you recover faster. Moral support and perhaps material assistance is the only way for them to somehow reduce your pain. Don't hesitate to help out. The involvement of family and friends in your life can be one of the main factors in healing.
In a healthy body healthy mind.Understanding this principle of the relationship between the physical and emotional state, it is possible, by influencing one, to improve the other. In other words, if the physical condition is at a decent level, then emotional condition will not keep you waiting. The merging process will take place. You will feel much more confident. healthy image life and healthy eating- the basis of the foundations.
Give yourself gifts.Don't forget about yourself. Shopping will help get rid of depression after the death of a person. Take a look in the mirror. A dull reflection does not match the one you used to see before the death of a loved one, the first sign that it's time to take care of yourself. Don't scare your appearance relatives and friends, go to the store. negative emotions exhaust vital energy. Satisfaction from successful purchases and a decent appearance is already a sign of a way out of a depressive state.
Fill your soul void.After scream therapy comes relaxation and spiritual emptiness that needs to be filled with something. This is not a replacement for the place of the deceased person in your memories. This is the place of your grief and experiences. It depends only on you what will happen at this place: the longing and pain that have returned again, or something else.
Fill it with creativity. Perhaps there was once a desire to do a hobby, but there was no time. That time has come.
Letter.Getting out of depression after the death of a loved one often does not give one detail that is not given much importance. Often in moments of sorrow, a single thought gnaws with stubborn constancy. What they did not have time to express to the deceased during his lifetime. This is the love of children for their parents, each other and hundreds of different words, which we do not attach special importance to death.
Write a letter of repentance to a dead person. Let it be on paper or on your own social media page. networks. Write down everything you didn't have time to say. Everything you feel right now. Ask for forgiveness and express your love.
Few people turn to psychologists. Waiting for time to put everything in its place. A year passes, another, but this does not happen. It is necessary to realize the fact that it is up to you to decide when the wound heals. My Soul Hurts. The heart does not want to forget anything. Any careless word or memory returns to a state of severe depression.
The realization that many come out of shock much faster makes the depression even worse. Does everyone bounce back so quickly after the death of a loved one, as it seems from the outside? Knowing how people experience grief at each stage, you yourself will be able to determine what period you have to go through. Keep in mind that in addition to individuality, the process of experiences is also cyclical. The return to the early stages of experience can be temporary and protracted.
Everything is ambiguous. Understanding the various reactions common to people in grief can help those who are suffering. The painful perception of irrevocable separation leads to the fact that people do not understand how to live on after the death of a loved one. Sad experiences and the emotional state of a person are broken down by time.
After death, for several weeks, the mourner has a state of unreality of what is happening. The person refuses to believe what is happening. Appetite disappears, reactions slow down. The general physical condition worsens. On average, it lasts 7-9 days.
Anger and apathy
Often, apathy can be replaced by a feeling of anger. It may occur if all plans and hopes for a happy future are gone with the deceased. The person begins to realize irretrievable loss but not in the mood to believe. It seems that only he can understand his grief. There is no help from relatives in the misfortune that has befallen, support too. The reasons for anger can be completely different. Appears in the mourner often unreasonably. This is an emotional state.
Those close to the mourner need to accept and come to terms with the fact that after a shock, it happens that people who are calm by nature can behave aggressively. Again, everything is individual. Instead of aggression, there is a directly opposite state of mind, when people become isolated after a tragedy. Which in itself is much calmer for others, but more negatively affects the mourner. Avoid long periods of loneliness. The process of getting out of depression can be delayed for a longer period.
Search
After the stage of shock, people often see the deceased on the street. The shock state continues at this stage. It usually lasts 5-12 days. They can hear footsteps and the voice of the deceased. The mind does not want to put up with the loss. Seeks to bring back the dead. Denies the very idea of the irretrievability of loss.
acute grief
The shock is replaced by a stage of acute grief. Duration 6-7 weeks. General ailments appear regardless of physical activity: fatigue, shortness of breath, weakness, sleep disturbance. Increased odors and appetite. It happens that the appetite disappears. It feels like a lump is stuck in the throat and sometimes does not allow breathing. The stomach may feel empty.
mood swings
Three or four months begin to alternate days of spiritual upsurge and falls into the abyss of despair. People become overly irritable, quick-tempered. It all depends on the natural warehouse of character and mind. Hot temper is replaced by excessive touchiness. Any careless word is perceived extremely sharply and painfully. The immune system is suppressed. Colds or infections may occur.
Depression
Any thought, affecting the memory of the deceased, makes one shudder internally. The mourner can mentally "communicate" with the deceased. Share all your innermost thoughts and what happened during the day. As long as this “talk” lasts, the depression will continue. It can subside and intensify. It will periodically occur during the next stage - "recovery".
recovery stage
Over the course of 1 year, the mourner gradually tries to come to terms with the fact of irretrievable loss. Depression periodically makes itself felt with painful memories. Each time, grief attacks appear less frequently. The bitterness of the loss of a loved one reminds of itself already in the form of individual attacks. Health and performance returns to normal.
The final and last stage for the grieving people
About a year later, the final stage of mourning begins. At this stage, a return to a full life is carried out. Life is slowly taking over. An understanding comes that it is not worth living only with thoughts about the death of a loved one. At this stage, the mourner, as it were, emotionally says goodbye to the deceased. For some, personal beliefs and cultural rules slow down the final stage. For example, some widows undertake to wear mourning until last days for her dead husband. Different religions hold different views. On a topic with a question how much mourning to wear can be found here.
For grieving people, experiencing grief after the death of a loved one does not require the professional intervention of psychologists. Next to the mourner should be close people who can provide moral support. Only they are allowed to talk about the deceased in an appropriate setting.
It is generally accepted that "spiritual wounds are best left undisturbed." This is already from the category of prejudice. It is necessary to talk about the deceased. Still, do not forget that you can once again inflict pain with a careless word. Check out first phrases that can hurt a grieving person. In the event that there really are no people nearby with whom you can share your grief, you will need to consult a psychologist.
To make the process of experiencing grief less acute or want to speed up the process a little, we suggest reading tips on how to cope with grief after the death of a loved one. .
My dear readers, what a pity that our life is fleeting and can end at any moment, but we do not want to think about it. Especially if everything in life is going well and everyone around is healthy. And yet, what to do if such a day comes and how to observe mourning.
The word "mourning" came to us during the time of Peter the Great from German language and means "sorrow".
How to observe mourning: order and traditions
Alert
If someone in the family dies, it is necessary to notify all relatives, friends and acquaintances, indicating the date and time of the funeral. It is advisable to notify non-residents by telegrams - this will make it easier for them to arrive faster and say goodbye to the deceased.
If the person who received the telegram can come, then you should report it. And if it is not possible to attend the funeral, then you should immediately send your condolences to the relatives of the deceased in the form of a telegram.
A person who does not have the opportunity or is not going to attend the funeral can send a basket or bouquet of flowers with a written condolence card.
It is accepted that all friends and acquaintances come to the funeral without receiving a special invitation, because, with such deep grief, it is easy to forget about someone.
Good manners require that, upon receiving news of the death of a person with whom one has quarreled, it is necessary to appear at the funeral to show that death has interrupted all hostility, and they do not continue beyond the grave. How to observe mourning?
How to dress for a funeral
The most appropriate look for a man at a funeral is a black suit with a light or dark shirt and a muted tie. The suit can be not only black, but also others dark colors. A shirt under a jacket can be replaced with a turtleneck.
The classic mourning outfit for women is also a black suit, trouser or skirt. Pants should not be tight, and the skirt should be above the knees. Appropriate clothing would be black dress strict and simple style.
A skirt with a dark sweater, blouse or turtleneck is suitable. All items of clothing must be closed. holiday decorations, glitter and bright decor at a funeral look indecent. It is advisable to wear a black scarf, hat or scarf on your head.
This is important if you will attend the funeral ceremony, which will take place in the temple.
If you take children to the cemetery, then their outfit should also be made in dark colors.
How to observe mourning: wreaths and flowers
Since ancient times, flowers, decorated in the form of a wreath, symbolized the cycle, rebirth and immortality of the soul. Today, artificial wreaths are the most convenient option, they are more durable.
But nothing can visually replace the depth of feelings that fresh flowers evoke. The variety of flowers has its own hidden meaning. If the wreath contains Red roses, it symbolizes long life and heroic death.
Violets, lilies, feces and wreathed white roses are placed on the graves of young people and children. They signify purity and morality. And compositions of evergreens mean hope for eternal life and the undying love of those close to the deceased.
Funeral bouquets should not be bright. A funeral is not a holiday, but a day of mourning, so you should bring strict bouquets, emphasizing the solemnity of farewell.
At a funeral, bouquets containing more than 2-3 shades are undesirable, since the variegation does not correspond to the sad atmosphere of the funeral.
When choosing the type of flowers and their colors, it is better to prefer flowers of simple and dark colors, additionally taking into account the gender and age of the deceased.
At the funeral of a very close person, you can bring those flowers that he most loved during his lifetime.
Flowers are placed on a coffin or grave without a wrapper.
How to behave in the house with the deceased
In the house where the deceased is located, one should not talk loudly. Silence shows our participation much more than a loud expression of condolences.
During a visit of condolences, it is not customary to discuss issues not related to death and service problems, especially to tell funny stories.
Relatives of the deceased should close all mirrors, since it is believed that the mirror is an otherworldly portal in which the soul of the deceased, who is at that moment in the house, can get lost. There is a more sensible explanation for this: you should close the mirrors only so that it does not distract anyone.
In addition, it is not pleasant when the coffin with the deceased is reflected in the mirror.
While in the house with the deceased, it is necessary to remove all jewelry from him. If the deceased was a believer, then a pectoral cross should be put on his neck.
Relatives of the deceased should wash his body only during daylight hours.
The water with which the washing took place must be poured into a specially dug hole in the place where people do not go, crossing that place. You can't flush this toilet!
Beliefs
You should not put a glass of water (or vodka) covered with a piece of bread near the portrait of the deceased. According to legend, the soul of the deceased will never come to this glass, but only demons will come.
While the deceased is in the house, there is no need to arrange laundry. This is considered a bad omen. Also, one should not allow someone to sit on the bed of the deceased while the coffin with him is in the house.
If someone is afraid to be in the house with the deceased, he should be advised to overcome his fear by holding the legs of the deceased for a while.
When there is a dead person in the apartment, before the funeral, you can not use sharp metal objects (knives, needles, blades ..) and keep them in an open place.
While the deceased is in the house, a cup of water should be placed on the windowsill (to “wash the soul”).
The coffin with the deceased, as well as the lid from the coffin, cannot be carried to the relatives of the deceased.
Do not allow flowers to be placed in the coffin next to the body of the deceased. Then these flowers are thrown onto the road along which the funeral procession is going. This is a ritual for transferring diseases from the dead to the living.
You can not collect these flowers, step on them, and even more so bring them into the house. This can provoke another grief in the family.
You can not look out the window at the dead.
When the coffin lid is hammered, care must be taken to ensure that the shadow of a living person does not “get into the coffin”.
Everyone knows that the earth taken from the cemetery for sealing after burial cannot be brought into the house and left at the entrance, otherwise the person is considered sealed. And the porch too. This will lead to diseases of the people living in this entrance.
On the memorial week, you can’t take sweets, cookies, eggs from the graves. They are intended for the dead, they can not be eaten.
Remember! Nothing can be taken from the cemetery! Including shawls and towels that are removed from the cross or wreaths.
funeral procession
According to church rules, a cross or an icon of the Savior is carried in front of the funeral procession, then banners (church banners) are carried, followed by a coffin lid, a priest with a censer and a candle behind the lid.
Then they carry the coffin with the deceased, relatives and friends follow the coffin, and behind them other participants in the funeral with flowers, wreaths (in cold weather, participants in the procession may be wearing hats). A person participating in a funeral procession and during the procession must maintain a serious dignity.
Mourning for relatives
The deepest mourning, which lasts one year, is observed by the widow. She wears mostly black clothes and does not wear any jewelry or jewelry. During this period, she does not visit places of entertainment and does not have the right to marry.
By refusing outfits and imminent marriage, the widow shows respect for the feelings of the parents and relatives of her late husband.
A widower man observes mourning for six months. Children, for their dead parents, mourn for a year, gradually moving from black clothes to clothes a few tones lighter.
For a grandmother or grandfather, mourning is observed for six months, the same period of mourning is set for a deceased sister or brother, and for an uncle and aunt, three months.
During mourning, you cannot express to others about your boundless grief. The whole point of mourning lies not only in mourning clothes, but also in observing a worthy state of mind person.
How to observe mourning? At this time, a person is in deep thought about himself, his loved ones and thinks about the meaning of life. Things that are forbidden in mourning include: clothes of bright colors, silk fabrics, any jewelry, whether it be made of gold or silver.
The use of perfume is excluded.
How to observe mourning: commemoration
Men must come to the wake without a headdress. Women, on the contrary, need to have some kind of headscarf covering their heads.
All relatives and friends who were at the cemetery can come to the first commemoration on the day of burial. For 9 days after the death of the deceased, only relatives, friends and relatives of the deceased come.
You can't come to the funeral without an invitation. You can come to express your condolences, but you should not rush to sit down with the rest of the guests at the table if you are not invited to share the funeral meal.
It is also not allowed to occupy the place where the deceased once sat.
Anyone who wants to commemorate the deceased can come for 40 days. Before you sit down at the table, you must read the "Our Father" or the 90th psalm. During the funeral meal, you need to honor the memory of the deceased.
The memorial meal begins with the serving of kutya.
Kutia should be consecrated at a memorial service or sprinkled with holy water, and everyone present at the commemoration must try it. Kutia grains represent the immortality of the human soul.
At the memorial meal, as a rule, only simple, traditional food is allowed, including special memorial dishes: jelly, cabbage soup or fish soup, pancakes and kutya. At the same time, a stack of vodka covered with a piece of bread is not allowed.
Alcoholic drinks are optional.
Wake can be held not only in the house of the deceased. Holding a commemoration in a cafe does not contradict Orthodox principles.
How to observe mourning: days of special remembrance of the deceased
Until the 40th day, the deceased is called the newly deceased. The commemoration of the newly deceased at the first time after death is important and necessary, especially because it facilitates the soul of the deceased such a difficult transition from temporary life to eternal life and helps to go through the so-called ordeals.
Special days of commemoration of the newly deceased are the third, ninth and fortieth (in this case, the day of death is considered the first).
The soul that remains after the death of a living terrestrial organism consists of several parts, which, according to the modern classification, are conditionally called ethereal, astral and mental bodies these bodies disintegrate on the 3rd, 9th and 40th day.
According to folk tradition, up to 40 days the soul of the deceased is next to relatives and home.
These days, the closest relatives gather to commemorate the deceased with a prayer at a joint meal.
If the deceased was baptized, you should order a magpie commemoration at 40 liturgies, be sure to visit the church on the 9th and 40th days from the date of death and serve a memorial service, pray daily for the repose of the soul.
In memory of the deceased, good deeds should be done, alms should be given to all those who ask.
There is also a custom to commemorate the deceased on every anniversary of death, on his birthday and on the day of the Angel.
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