Good afternoon friends!
There is an opinion, be it modesty, adorns a person. If you look at the definition from one side, you can see that a modest person is someone who knows how to compare his self-esteem with the assessment of other people, usually making a choice in the direction of the latter.
On the other hand, it is the measure of all requirements. There is also humility, not exactingness for oneself and the passage of opportunities and options between the boys. Modesty - is it good or bad? In today's article, I will reflect on this.
Everything is good in moderation! Just being humble everywhere and with everyone is not the best option for the humblest. After all, if you think about it, then before this trait in character was really appreciated and extolled. But today, when people have changed the speed of life, and the very approach to it, it is doing a huge, disservice.
Often, "humble" behave strangely in the company of little-known people: when they come to visit, they cannot find a place for themselves, once again ask an important question for them. At work, this feature also manifests itself not sweetly - fear of expressing one's opinion and even show persistence, develops into a feat.
Where does this tendency come from?
The habit of sticking to the "golden mean" in everything, not stick out and be like everyone else, grows from a sweet, kind and familiar childhood to all of us. Often parents incite their children to educate humble attitude to everything: to self-expression, to manners, appearance and even in the expression own feelings in relation to other people.
But whether it brings the desired effect is another question! Problems faced by shy and humble people, are not so ghostly.
If we take an example, then among the representatives of this "race" one can hardly meet pioneers and inventors.
They are alien active position and disobedience. In a team they keep silently, in the company of people - in the shadow, but inside themselves, they can hide entire oceans interesting views and opinions.
Very often this type of personality, suffering from tyranny and the dominance of other, more self-confident people. inclination carry it all in, is born just out of shyness.
Therefore, it is not uncommon diseases nervous system or psyche, falls precisely on this segment of "modest people". How to deal with such a dangerous trait?
How to push modesty aside:
1. Increase self-esteem and self-confidence.
Choosing the path manifestations of personal savings, as well as demonstrating to others your inner world and colors, you can find recognition and respect.
Who cares to see closed creature, with knees trembling with panic? Boldly open the edges of your soul people who evoke response and trust in your heart. Talk on the phone, meet on the Internet and of course in reality.
Develop your own in order for the personal level to return to normal. Besides, successful business don't build on fear and shyness. Yeah and move on career ladder harder if you're afraid of elbowing someone and just talk about different things.
2. Establish communication with your own "I" and the right to defend an opinion.
Sense of tact, inherent in shy people with a vengeance. I would even say, in excess.
In order to feel good not only in the cozy walls of the house, but also in space, it is necessary settle approach.
Practice in expression of thoughts about a topic in which you feel your excellence, awareness and competence, ideal for processing.
3. Become a leader and an active, team player.
Communication- an important factor in the formation of oneself in society. It can bring people together to support and express emotion. Through the acquisition of new acquaintances, contacts and friends, you can feel the thirst for communication and become the soul of the company.
An excellent reason to transform shyness into a particular style, charm or even image. Add a touch courage, smiles and the desire to participate in your own life and I assure you, everything will work out!
Closing himself from everyone, a person turns into an alien, seeking to avoid any contact with earthlings. But the essence of communication is built in a completely different way: you get what you want giving in return your energy, time and deeds.
Limiting oneself in action blocking the flow of information, events and people, you can slowly begin to identify your name as a person " closed and clogged". I don't think that's what you were looking for!
Having accepted responsibility for your life and frankly looking into the reflection of your mirror, is it worth trying to change the vector of movement of thoughts and decide whether it is a “panther” or a “gazelle”?
Dear friends, on this philosophical note, I will put a finish line.
Subscribe to my blog updates and recommend it to your friends for reading. In the comments, tell us what you think about modesty? Is this good or does it have a negative effect?
See you on the blog, bye bye!
Modesty
(Questions are asked by the editor of the magazine "In the City" Ekaterina Baklanova)
“A life that is aware of its beauty tends to hide itself in tales of modesty. The lie cries loudly: “I am the light!” and instantly burns, and modesty, like a diamond, is silent, but has its own light, shining with constant brightness.Inayat Khan Hidayat
What features make up the image of a person whom we respect, who can serve as an example for us? Probably most of you will agree that such a person should be courageous, truthful, honest, faithful, kind, persevering and, of course, modest. "How smarter man, the more modest it is, ”says antique aphorism. AT Japanese proverb It says: "Modesty is the adornment of wisdom." “Modesty is just as necessary to virtues as the figures in a picture need a background: it gives them strength and relief,” wrote J. La Bruyère, and L. N. Tolstoy considered modesty and simplicity to be the main conditions for the moral beauty of a person.
What is modesty? The psychologist, a specialist in systemic therapy and family constellations, Zhanna Tomashevskaya-Kurkova answers the questions of the editorial board.
What is modesty: a quality transmitted to genetic level, a product of education, the result of a person's inner work on himself? Is it under human control?
Modesty is an inner dignity and self-respect. This is the result of knowing oneself and the universe, diligence and diligence, will and strong character. It's huge inner work. The deeper and more interesting person, the more noble and modest it is. A self-sufficient person does not need to stick out his qualities or achievements, he does not need external approval. He lives, focusing on his inner world. Mistakes and victories are accepted equally. When he makes a mistake, he does not attract attention to himself, he does not expose himself as a victim. He learns and solves his life problems. When he wins, he does not brag about it, but accepts with gratitude what he has received and moves on through life. Living in harmony with himself, he knows the value of his life and those around him.
What is the difference between modesty, shyness and shyness? A modest person is weak and indecisive? Can a humble person be proud?
Shyness and shyness most often come from self-doubt. A person is afraid to express his point of view and always adapts to the majority or simply remains silent, not knowing and not being able to express himself. Modesty is confident and bold. Confident man lives in faith. What is the faith of a man - such is his internal state and behavior among people. The mind and intellect of man are based on faith. A humble person lives his life with dignity. He has spirit and will, he is free from external evaluation. Humility is proud. But pride without modesty turns into arrogance and pride.
Does modesty always adorn a person?
Recently, while relaxing by the sea, I observed funny situations. On the city beach, children and adults of one German family stripped naked, attracting attention and catching the puzzled looks of vacationers. They undressed and defiantly looked at others, for them the attention and reaction of people was very important. On the same day, I accidentally met a Russian woman on the beach and later met her in a restaurant. This lady had already dined with her family, but nevertheless she made every effort to join our table. During dinner, in the first minute of the conversation, I learned that a woman is related to psychology. All evening we listened only to this lady, who during the conversation did not listen to anyone and did not let anyone say a word, tried to fulfill herself at the expense of the attention and energy of other people. Meanwhile, her seven-year-old daughter actively competed with her mother. She climbed onto a post near the table and very loudly portrayed a monkey: she made faces, screamed, published different sounds, thereby involuntarily forcing to draw attention to themselves. Three completely different situations - novice nudists, a woman psychologist and her daughter. But everyone was screaming for help. Everyone needed the most basic need person - recognition. When a child is small, the recognition of his parents - mom and dad - is very important for him. And the behavior of a little girl, who literally demanded her mother's lost attention and love, is quite normal. And it looks a little comical and sad when an adult person in any way pulls the energy of other people onto himself in order to at least somehow make sure that HE EXISTS. When a person grows up, recognition becomes more deep meaning. RECOGNITION - it is important for a person to beknowing. It is important to know yourself, your needs and desires, your capabilities. Know the laws of the universe and the laws of human development. It is very important to be at higher knowledge. Comprehending knowledge, a person cognizes and recognizes himself - a person. He becomes self-sufficient and independent of others. If a person stops in his development by obtaining a diploma of his professional suitability, then throughout his life he will need, as to a small child, constant recognition of other people. The very word HUMAN - CENTURY (student of the century) contains a huge meaning of human life.
People who really believe that being naked among people is natural, go to the circle of their like-minded people - nudists. They undress and enjoy their condition, they have no need to challenge "others", people who are not like them. In the same way, a professional in his activity on the topics of his profession is interested in communicating in his circle - among the same professionals. They have absolutely no reason to stick out their worldview among people who are far from it. As a rule, regardless of worldview and social currents, people who really believe in what they say do not shout about it on every corner, but simply live by them. They do it for themselves.
Sometimes, communicating with people, only after a while, quite by accident, you learn about their achievements in the profession or interesting way life. They attract not with words, but with deeds already done. This is their way of life. They respect and protect their inner world and very selectively let others into it. mature people modest, simple and natural. These qualities are a great rarity in our society and the most valuable decoration. I have witnessed many times when in disputes, discussions and other difficult life situations modesty prevailed. A modest person conquers and is very disposed to himself.
Can modesty become a serious obstacle in life or, even worse, the cause of constant stress and, as a result, illness?
Modesty is an intrinsic value that a person relies on in difficult life situations. This quality can only help in times of stress and illness. We attract trouble as a result of our own incorrect thoughts or actions. Humility through accumulated wisdom allows you to look at stressful situation real eyes, accept it and solve it with dignity.
How do you feel about the statement of Dzongsar Khyentse: "Even modesty can be a kind of pretense and hypocrisy"? What is false modesty? Vanity ploy or pretense?
People can play, pretend and put on the mask of a humble person. It happens that a person who is not confident and timid, lazy and not interesting to himself hides behind imaginary modesty. This is a convenient form of presenting yourself in society. But such people, as a rule, are irritated and unbalanced. Their inner discomfort eventually comes out. Often their “modest” life motto is the phrase: “Lord, I don’t need anything, just make sure that others don’t have anything.”
Real modesty can always be distinguished from pretense - it is accompanied by simplicity, naturalness and goodwill.
Can a modest person replace shyness with unusual forms of behavior - feigned arrogance and swagger?
Modesty is the inner state of a person, it is the accumulated wisdom. Audacity and swagger are masks behind which an insecure person hides, for whom it is very important to impress others. We all know that young children bully because of a lack of love and attention. Exactly the same reason for the behavior of an impudent and cheeky person is to declare oneself in any way. This behavior is a cry for help. A modest person does not focus on the environment, he knows who he is, what he does and why. Even if others do not accept his worldview, he will not be upset. What matters to him is what he knows and lives.
Is it possible to consider excessive modesty as a vice that needs to be got rid of? And if so, how can this be done?
Modesty is a great value, a component of the inner foundation on which a person relies in his life. It needs to be developed and multiplied in itself. Few people have this kind of quality.
Can a modest, seemingly indecisive, but very competent and intelligent specialist get a highly paid job, or is it easier for a self-confident slob to do it?
Maybe a self-confident slob will be able to get a job faster, but a modest specialist will stay at work. To get a modest competent specialist is a great success. These people talk less and do more. Self-confident slob talks a lot and creates the appearance of work. This is why employers have probation to consider a specialist and distinguish idle talk from deeds.
Whose modesty is more valued: male or female? What are the causes of excessive modesty?
Both male and female modesty are very beautiful. Unfortunately, today we see very few such people around. The main mass throws dust in the eyes. People immodestly assert themselves by their position, connections, opportunities. But without faith and dignity inside, they feel devastated. Hence the arrogance, rudeness and protrusion. When a person personally achieves financial situation or fame, he behaves much more modestly than one who has achieved something with the help of others. The personal independent path of material achievements runs in parallel with the life accumulations of wisdom and experience. If a person receives something at the expense of someone, his soul always knows about it. And then, in order to drown out this knowledge, a person sticks out these achievements for show, convincing, first of all, himself that he is significant. Along with this comes irritation, anger, dissatisfaction. The deeper and more interesting a person is, the more modest he is. Male modesty is accompanied by dignity, female - by simplicity and naturalness. There is no such thing as too much modesty.
Should modesty be overcome?
I think that it is still too early to talk about this topic in our society... We all need to work hard on our self-development in order to develop even a small fraction of true modesty.
Often modesty is mistaken for weakness and indecisiveness, but when experience proves to people that they were mistaken, then modesty gives new charm, strength and respect to character.
He who searches deeply into his soul so often catches himself in error,
which inevitably becomes modest. He is no longer proud of his
enlightenment, he does not consider himself superior to others.
Almost always, modesty is directly proportional to talent.
Modesty is not only an ornament, but also a guardian of virtue.
Modesty as a personality trait - a tendency to show a lack of desire for honors .
Above humble guy in the pharmacy, terribly embarrassed by the queue, he barely whispers: - I would like this ... a condom. Apothecary: What, what? Speak louder! - Well, in general, Polina, Rosa, Elena, Zina, Evdokia, Ruslana, Valya, Aksinya, Tonya, Ira, Vera. Pharmacist with surprise: - And where are you with one condom for such a crowd?
Girl, do you have a boyfriend? -No. -You are very modest. Such a beautiful and sweet girl should have a boyfriend? - Yes, I do not mind, my husband is against ...
A person sometimes cannot evade honors, but this in no way speaks of his indiscretion. Maria Skłodowska-Curie the first ever winner twice Nobel Prize. In 1910, she succeeded in isolating pure metallic radium. Thus, a 12-year cycle of life-threatening hard labor was completed. Out of modesty, she did not even patent the results of her research. Maria argued: “Radium should not enrich anyone. This element belongs to the whole world.” During the First World War, Maria headed the radiological service of the Red Cross Society and herself went to front-line hospitals. She learned to drive a car, and, if necessary, became an auto mechanic. In her youth, she courageously endured the cold of the attic, then in a barn unsuitable for a laboratory, she carried out laborious experiments, and during the First World War, with her calmness and modesty, she turned into a soldier. She was revered by the whole world, but she never had a desire for honors and glory.
What does indiscretion look like, that is, a person striving for honors? He focuses attention on himself, behaves in a mannered manner, speaks loudly, with pathos and commanding notes in his voice, is brightly dressed, shows envy, etc. Immodestness as a manifestation of pride constantly enters into antagonism with others, and this leads to suffering and pain. When a person does not speak sincerely, with pathos, people consciously or unconsciously oppose his indiscretion. The risk of conflict increases, and that means pain and suffering. The ego of indiscretion clashes with the mass ego of others.
Unlike indiscretion, modesty is always in a state of peace, that is, its mind is calm. Peace is peace of mind, that is, the mind of a peaceful person is not excited by his ego, he is constantly at rest. A modest person, first of all, peaceful person . Not quiet, but peaceful. A quiet person can be far from modest: there are devils in a still pool.
An indiscreet person, having lost his “candy” of honors, feels envy. Indiscretion without honors grimaces and comes from envy. Modesty behaves calmly, unpretentiously, always does his duty well, with and without honors. Indiscretion, if beckoned with honors, will fulfill its duties, and it would never occur to her to disinterestedly fulfill her duty. Lack of modesty is burning desire honors. Indiscretion is not stable, without remuneration, privileges and honors, it is inoperable. In other words, a lot of problems arise with an immodest person: he does not work stably, conflicts with people, he is not respected. If the team was healthy, then with the advent of indiscretion, envy will corrode it.
Humility is a personality trait that manifests itself about yourself, not about other people . It is different from humility. Humility means victory over anger, a person perceives all incoming information humbly, scold or praise him - he will react equally humbly. Humility - top quality a saintly person, it automatically implies modesty. Humility doesn't have to be humble. If modesty is scolded, insulted, brought to a "white heat", it can not stand it and burst into anger. She is indifferent to glorifications, honors, gifts, but when they insult her human dignity, she, too, can "stand on its hind legs." In other words, humility is the absence of anger, and modesty is the absence of a desire for honor. Humility is a necessary step towards humility.
Humility versus indiscretion able to listen, perceive new . Indiscretion is not able to listen. Active listening presupposes humility. This personality trait is the opposite of pride, so indiscretion cannot claim it. For example, a young provincial came to Moscow to conquer scientific world. His main motivation is, for example, obtaining scientific titles and degrees, achieving material well-being, honor and glory. Science for him is not a goal, but a means of enrichment. Angry and hungry, he furiously gnaws at the granite of science. Gradually, having accumulated knowledge, he "settles down" - he becomes a candidate, then a doctor of sciences. With the tail of years, pride, that he knows more than others, grows, his egoism is activated. Gradually, the ego of a person gets close to the mind, and he begins to feel all-knowing, the most intelligent and irreplaceable. This means that modesty is lost, the ability to further develop, improve, progress is lost. When he was humble, he could listen to other people, learn from them. That's when he was happy. But since the motives of his knowledge were exclusively selfish and had the most distant relation to the knowledge of the truth, he himself "cut off his oxygen." Leaving on the baggage of past merits, he puffs up in front of everyone, trying to confirm his importance. Even his "home" he gets his selfishness. An annoyed wife tells him: “You can play a genius in front of students, but in the family behave naturally. March to take out the garbage until you get hit on a stupid bald head. In other words, a person who has lost modesty suffers a fiasco in life.
An example of modesty and at the same time a true scientist was Michael Faraday. He never aspired to wealth or honors, but for his services he was elected an honorary member of more than seventy scientific societies and academies. His work marked the beginning new era in physics, and he did not take a patent for his inventions, repeatedly refusing profitable positions that promised him fabulous incomes. He also refused the nobility, saying at the same time: "Thank you, but I want to be called simply - Michael Faraday."
When a person's mind is polluted by egoism, he is unable to convey his thoughts and knowledge to other people. As said great director K. S. Stanislavsky: “I don’t believe!” When a person is proud, he cannot explain anything to people. He is not understood. Paradox, there is a lot of knowledge, but no sense. Modesty is humble, it adds nothing of itself to the learned truth. If she did scientific discovery- it will be an "added value" to the previous knowledge. The knowledge of modesty will be assimilated by people, for it comes from a pure unselfish mind. Modesty knows how to explain, because she is not nervous when a person does not understand, but continues to patiently state her point of view in a friendly manner.
A true scientist is modest and devoid of pride, he does not need honors and glory. For example, Pierre Curie and Marie Curie, when it came to them world recognition, and did not think to enjoy fame, they were more worried that the provision of the laboratory by the state was delayed from year to year due to lack of money and bureaucratic delays. When the dean of the faculty natural sciences told Pierre that he wanted to introduce him to the order, the scientist replied: “Please, be kind enough to tell the minister that I have no need for the order, but I really need a laboratory.” And when in 1903 the Curies received from the Royal Society gold medal, then they gave it to their little daughter as a toy. Scientists have not even patented their method of obtaining radium, believing that such a commercial approach to discovery is contrary to the spirit of science.
The ability of humility to listen and hear the other person is extremely important for relationships. If the spouses listen to each other's opinion, then the family is a single whole, which means that it is based on mutual respect. The egoist does not listen to anyone, and no one wants to listen to him. And how important it is for a politician to listen to other people's opinions, to understand and accept the point of view of their advisers.
The test of modesty is praise. Indiscretion, waiting for honors, blurs from praise, stands on a pedestal, bronzes before our eyes. She is not able to hide her reaction to praise, because she so wanted to amuse her pride. A flatterer will always find a corner in the soul of indiscretion. Modesty, on the contrary, is indifferent to praise.
If the vast majority of composers in their lives passionately sought fame, then Debussy - on the contrary. He had never been to the productions of his own operas in his life and rejected the fame that came to him at the end of his life. Well, about his music, he always modestly said: “If God did not love my music, I would not write it ...”
Humility is the opposite of arrogance. Have you ever heard of a modest insolent or impudent modesty? Of course not, because these are two different poles. These two qualities form the scale "Modesty - Insolence", on which a person is at a specific point. When modesty becomes the manifested side of the personality, we consider such a person modest. Humility is undoubtedly a quality of a saintly person. A common person- This is a fraction, in the numerator of which is modesty, and in the denominator - arrogance. Anatole France said: "Everything must be done in moderation, even in modesty." People heeded his advice, reducing the numerator to a minimum. To modesty man goes Consistently: “I am an immodest person. I'm probably a humble person. I am a very humble person. I am undoubtedly the humblest person. I AM ordinary person". Giuseppe Verdi once said: “When I was eighteen years old, I considered myself great and said:“ I am. When I was twenty-five years old, I began to say: "Me and Mozart."
When I turned forty, I said: "Mozart and me." Now I say: "Mozart". This is the way we go to modesty.
Real, not ostentatious modesty attracts wisdom . For example, a modest girl wants to get married. She will not dress flashy and behave arrogantly. She needs a responsible, reasonable guy who needs not an impudent painted doll, but a modest wife. Like attracts like. An impudent girl will attract the attention of men who are interested in her body, and not inner world. Anyone who is interested in her mind is reasonable person, and the one who was attracted only by her body - we will not give him precise definition, and so it is clear. The price of such a marriage is a ruble per bundle on a market day. If a girl defiantly refuses attention (honor) to herself from the other sex, is this modesty or not? No. If she gladly accepts attention, is it modesty or not? Also no. If she does not pay attention to male views, is this modesty or not? Yes, this is modesty, it manifests itself inside a person, and not from outside. Modesty within oneself is inner purity and the ability to preserve and protect this purity. Modesty is the most powerful weapon women.
Between reasonableness and modesty there is straight proportional dependence . The mind of a modest person is not burdened with pride, so he sees the objects of the outside world without prejudice and selfishness. Indiscretion has a "dirty" mind. Her ambitious ego turns true knowledge into false, seasoning them with a fair amount of selfishness. The mind of indiscretion is in ignorance, it is completely subject to the whims of an inflated ego.
Modesty not inclined to find flaws in other people . This is the fundamental property of this quality. Modesty justifies a person by thinking, "This is a good person." If the flaw is on the surface, modesty says: “It's okay. Little nothings of life. I won’t leave you anyway, because you are good.” Why is this happening? From the fact that modesty has no envy of this person. One can envy the position of another person, the fact that he does not honor me. Envy causes irritation and anger at another person, forcing them to speak about him in black tones. If another person does not honor me, immodesty begins to condemn him, to gossip. She wants respect, but she is not respected. Then she begins to look for flaws in another person. In a word, envy is a sign of lack of modesty.
Modesty lives in harmony with its desires and capabilities, it not pretentious and reserved . She is disgusted by excesses, luxury and pernicious desire. Modesty, going into the store, will buy only what he planned. You can't distract her with any kind of bait. Indiscretion, full of lust, will buy both what is needed and what is not needed. Therefore, modesty will reach the material goal faster than indiscretion.
The external goal is achieved through the realization of the internal goal. What does it mean? The internal goal means to cultivate good personality traits in oneself, and then the external goals are realized automatically. For example, a husband wants his wife and children to respect him. This is an external target. To force oneself to be respected, to give gifts, to reproach - all these are hopeless ways. In "Eugene Onegin" the uncle "forced to respect himself and could not invent better." In our times, they would say “gave oak”, “played in the box”, “glued flippers” or “thrown skates”. It is clear that this option does not suit him either. If he sets an internal goal - to become a responsible person and strives for this goal, the result will not be long in coming. Women respect responsibility in a man. Feeling the changes in the behavior of the father and husband, his relatives will change their attitude towards him for the better.
Modesty does not cultivate in itself the desire to master something as quickly as possible. material world. Her motto is everything has its time. The unpretentiousness of modesty means to respect the passage of time. She knows that she will have everything in time. “You don’t have to jump out of your pants, so you won’t achieve your goal, I will get everything I deserve,” modesty is sure. Do your job well out of a sense of duty, and the result will come. Therefore, modesty is appeased. She realizes that she needs external purchases as a means to an end. If they are in this moment she can’t afford it, which means she has a different goal. Calmly perceiving this givenness, modesty, at the same time, realizes that she has a different purpose, God has other plans for her. She understands that she has a different happiness, it does not need to be anticipated, it comes from within, not from outside. It does not attach excessive importance to the objects of the external world, so its goals are achieved easily and simply. Indiscretion, striving for the fulfillment of his desires, will spend all his nervous resources, get a heart attack ten times, ruin relationships with loved ones, but he will not achieve his goal. Greed hastens indiscretion: “What is the right time for everything? Get it quick."
Modesty is sincerely interested in others, respects the norms of morality and morality accepted in society. It gives freedom from vanity, provides an opportunity to learn from others, adopting their virtues.
For a modest person, one more thing is characteristic positive quality- is he not intrusive in communication . If he sees that someone, communicating with him, is not satisfied, he will try to get away from contact. Modesty does not disturb other people by their behavior. Modesty should not be confused with being downtrodden and soft-bodied. On modesty “you won’t ride”, “you won’t sit on her head”. Humility is first and foremost developed sense dignity. Downtroddenness arises from the fear of losing a husband, a job, that others will treat her badly. Modesty cannot be picked up for anything, you can’t sit on her neck, she has her own goal and therefore she can always politely refuse. She will not do anything that disrupts her movement towards her goal. In achieving the goal, modesty shows self-esteem.
Petr Kovalev 2013
Think back to a party you recently attended. I'm sure there was at least one guy among the guests who chirped non-stop about his achievements: how big his bill was and what a grand renovation he started in his giant house. And it doesn’t matter if you appreciated his achievements, the main thing is that he is absolutely sure of his magnificence! Of course, there were others at the party no less successful people who did not trumpet on every corner about their achievements. We highly value such modest ones and suspect that they themselves do not have a very high opinion of themselves.
It seems that modest people underestimate their talent and their achievements, and even deliberately downplay them. If they really understand how successful they are, why are they so shy? Or is modesty impossible without deceit? No, I don't even want to think about it.
However, Irene McMullin, in her article in the Philosophical Quarterly, questions the conventional notion of " modesty"and asks us to think about what we mean by the concept" be humble».
McMullin argues that humble people are aware of their good qualities, which is why they know how to downplay them. For example, imagine Jane, a famous film director. If Jane does not realize how amazingly successful she is compared to other filmmakers, she will most likely talk endlessly about her box office films and awards at Cannes, unaware of how people feel when listening to her. This is the paradox of modesty: You have to understand how successful you are in order to know how not to offend others.
This position is shared by philosopher (and fellow blogger) Aharon Ben-Zeev, who argues that modesty involves a self-awareness of success with a belief in human equality. A humble person knows that he or she has some outstanding qualities, but at the same time he knows that these qualities are not very important. That's why Bill general director, on the Forbes magazine list, communicates with John, a janitor in his company. And though Bill earns more money, has more power, and, in general, is more successful than John, he understands that deep down he and John are equally valuable and significant.
Aristotle wrote that virtue lies in the "golden mean" between two extremes. Humility lies in the same balance between boasting about your achievements and hiding them. These extremes have one common feature: They deny other people the respect they deserve. A falsely humble person makes others feel awkward when he feigns virtue by boasting about his accomplishments. Like when someone we know received an MBA at Harvard says with a wink that he attended "a little college in Cambridge," we cringe at his false modesty. He knows that everyone knows where he studied, but nevertheless spreads his feathers like a smug peacock.
Also, when too much humble person sincerely avoids talking about his success, he or she understands that it is hard for others to hear about it. For example, Jane, director, on dinner party. When the topic of discussion was her recent film, what does she have to say as a truly humble person? Of course, she shouldn't quote rave reviews or mention sold-out box office hits. But she shouldn't deny her accomplishments with comments like, "Oh, it's not all that good." No matter how sincerely she says it (unlike the winking Mr. Harvard), the other guests are likely to feel offended, as if Jane questioned their sincerity.
Instead, Jane should acknowledge her success, not downplay it (“Thanks, I’ve been trying to make this happen for years”), show her appreciation for others (“I get a lot of support from my friends, their faith means so much to me”), or change topic of conversation (“Thank you, but what about your new book, I would like to write like you!”). Any of these tricks will show that she is comfortable with her success. She doesn't deny it, but admits it doesn't make her the best person than anyone else. Yes, she has succeeded in making this film, she is better than some at this, but worse at other things.
On the surface, modesty seems to be inwardly focused, it's how people think of themselves. But, as it turns out, modesty is how one sees and respects others. To be truly humble, you don't have to deny your own triumph. In fact, you must be aware and accept it.
After all, virtue is really impossible without honesty.
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Modesty is a personality trait acquired as a result of internalization of behavioral patterns and values of others. It is reflected in the ability to keep one's own emotional and behavioral manifestations within certain limits, to maintain calmness, moderation and restraint, to make minimal demands on other people and one's material and household arrangements. Modesty changes the lifestyle of a person, providing for decency in communication, respect for decorum, leading a life without luxury.
It is believed that modesty adorns a person, presenting him without superfluous boasting, when a person’s virtues appear in actions, and rewards come without begging or demanding. Manifestations are possible in behavior through obedience to elders and humility in front of experienced ones, in clothes of inexpensive brands, discreet colors and models. Often modesty is used synonymously with shyness and timidity, but this is erroneous, even with similar manifestations, since modesty is a conscious act, choice, and other manifestations are unconscious and driven by subconscious or trauma.
What is modesty
The meaning of modesty is varied, and depending on the scope of the discussion, it will have its own adjustments, from the general ones there will remain undemanding and lack of desire to put oneself in the first place. In terms of arranging his life, he is characterized by a lack of desire for luxury and an understanding that insignificant resources are needed to feel comfortable. In terms of interpersonal interaction, modesty is characterized by a sincere interest in others, and more than in himself, such a person asks and listens more than talks and boasts. In addition, during communication, the dignity of all people is recognized, the rules accepted in society are manifested and observed.
Modesty is considered a character trait that allows a person to conform to the environment without being attracted to too much attention, which, in principle, considers drawing attention to one's own person (by action or word, clothing or purchase) as unworthy behavior.
In many sets of rules (etiquette, decent social behavior, approved by the church) says that modesty adorns a person and is the most valuable trait that gives opportunities for and vision of others to learn from them, contributes to the development of kindness and, as a result, the establishment of good relationships. But modesty may not always provide positive influence in a society where some people live according to other laws, self-interest and cunning, using the modesty of others for their own benefit.
Modesty is not a character trait or, it manifests itself in behavior and reflects it certain line, and the motives for such behavior may also be different. A modest person can be from nobility or from the fact that he sincerely does not consider his merits to be outstanding, or maybe from or inability to present himself hiding behind a mask of modesty, waiting for others to present him. Many, knowing how much others value humble displays, can act only partially in the presence of the necessary person, whom they have to impress, while the rest of the time be brazen and loose. This is not true modesty, just as kindness pursuing its own selfish goals is not true kindness.
Modesty vs Shyness - What's the difference?
Modesty and shyness are often confused, and some consider these concepts to be synonymous, while being deeply mistaken. Modesty is responsible for a conscious line of behavior, and shyness refers to emotional experiences that are not subject to control. A person can be modest and not shy, as well as being shy but not modest - the two do not go together and are not interchangeable. If, while leading a modest lifestyle, a person does not show his goodness and achievements out of unwillingness, including the conscious sphere, then in case of embarrassment this will be caused by fear (to attract attention, not withstand criticism, etc.).
Shyness arises from uncertainty and such a person is more likely to remain silent and listen carefully to the interlocutor in order to correct his statements in accordance with someone else's point of view.
Modesty is always confident and a modest person listens to another out of sincere interest, and changes his mind only after the facts, and not out of a desire to please. A modest person remains open in interaction, although he does not put his personality in priority, shyness can cause a person to avoid social contacts and new experience. The first is about development and constant learning from the outside world, the second is about the fear of the new and closed doors opportunities.
Modesty can be learned or unlearned, its level and spheres of manifestation can be controlled, while shyness is a character trait and such changes will require much deeper inner work than adjusting the line of behavior. In order for a person to begin to be shy or stop, a series of corrective events are needed, either frustrating and traumatic, forcing them to hide, or corrective and stabilizing, helping to begin to actively manifest themselves in the external environment.
Disadvantages of modesty
In many places, modesty is presented in a favorable light and as one of the most desirable qualities, but, as in any concept, there are shortcomings and difficulties that sometimes interfere with a person.
Consider who praises modesty as positive trait- usually these are people who benefit from your obedience (parents, teachers, church), those who themselves do not perceive the differences of others and strive to create a gray society that does not stand out. Once upon a time, such a strategy of behavior helped to survive, because even in the days of socialist power (and this generation of our grandmothers) it was dangerous to stand out, and all the benefits and skills were hidden, because they could entail punishments incompatible with life.
But modesty does not contribute to one's own promotion and realization - look at everyone famous people, read their biographies - they all loudly declared themselves and their skills, at every corner, until, finally, they were heard, and when they became noticeable, they grabbed the opportunity that presented itself, but modestly refused. Excessive modesty ruins a career, while such a person helps others, is silent about his successes, a less effective and less modest employee receives another raise and an increase in salary. Their projects are recognized as the best simply on the basis that often no one knows about the ideas of modest people or they learn from immodest friends who shout about the presence of a brilliant idea from their acquaintance.
How to get rid of modesty
Having analyzed own life you may encounter that it is precisely the negative aspects of the manifestation of modesty that are the majority, and then the question of how to get rid of it becomes relevant, but it will be more natural not to completely eradicate, but to reduce the number of manifestations or identify the most suffering areas and work with them. The influence reduction approach is less traumatic for the psyche, since with a complete and drastic restructuring there is big chance quickly return to the previous state. It is best to initially get to the bottom of the causes of excessive modesty, to understand whose words sunk into the soul from early childhood and correlate these requirements of behavior with the current situation in life. If grandma spoke of modesty as best line girls to get married, and you have developed her in communicating with men to such an extent that you have become an invisible or cold wall, then think about whether your grandmother meant this level and whether the requirements for men now are the same as then.
Try to express yourself more often, express your opinion - even if you make a mistake, everyone will disagree with you, you will have to defend your position for a long time, speak anyway. You can try talking to strangers, and if you know that you always give up the leading role in a conversation, then specially start communication first. The fear of losing people's favor is easily leveled by your smile and a direct statement that you are pleased to communicate or it is interesting to hear a different opinion from yours. Just as in communication, try to show exactly your own - in clothes and choosing places, listening to music and emotional reactions. There is no crime in going out in a short skirt or a yellow scarf, laughing at an important meeting or rejoicing loudly in quiet place- perhaps by your example you will liberate a few more people nearby, and thanks to the manifestation of your individuality, they will pay attention to you. And here's what's important - those who are interested, such as you, real, and not feigned, will pay attention, which can open up new opportunities.
In yourself, with small overcomings every day - you don’t need to immediately climb onto the stage and tell the audience of many hundreds what you are wonderful person, but here to be the first to meet a few people, tell at work what you came up with new project, tell casual acquaintances at a party about your occupation and about yourself as an excellent professional - those things, the practice of which every day will help overcome both excessive modesty and problems associated with your invisibility.
