Hello dear friends!
Each of us faces in life sometimes not the most pleasant moments. The manifestation of human aggression sometimes reaches its climax and simply takes you by surprise.
Meeting face to face with a screaming individual that is trying to throw the contents of its head into your fresh ears, you can ask yourself: “What is going on with you ?!”. How to deal with an aggressive person? What should be avoided and what should be emphasized?
The level of general heat of passions forces people to get rid of negative energy or overvoltage, in a rather selfish way. Everyone is massively preoccupied with problems, not successful things at work, disasters in their personal lives and prices in stores.
Dissatisfaction, as if, envelops people from the inside and they carry it with them for a long time, confidently and without disentangling. But the next or provocative situation removes the protective barrier somewhere in the depths of the brain and the person turns into an ill-mannered animal.
It waters everything and everyone with tons of formidable and far from friendly statements in order to feel lighter. Sometimes it can be associated with a short temper, lack of tact, and a sense of relevance.
It also happens that too long stay with a state of neurosis or other illness, provokes the two-legged to resort to base ways of asserting himself and alleviating his "emotional torment". How to properly communicate with a person who is in a state of enslavement by aggression?
Simple tricks
Of course, it is damn difficult to conduct a dialogue with a person who does not control his own outbursts of anger. It takes a lot of patience and motivation.
And at the same time, there are some secrets, having learned which, you will be able to cope with the task more effectively and not take personally a portion of malicious sarcasm or irony, seasoned with a “kind” word.
1. Avoid fighting
Care from, I can really call one of the most effective ways pacification of both oneself and a quick-tempered interlocutor.
Using it in practice and Everyday life, you, firstly, protect yourself from the flow of reciprocal "feelings" for which you may be ashamed in the future. And secondly, save yourself a couple of three nerve cells which will surely come in handy in the near future.
As they say, you should not stoop to the level of a fool, otherwise he will simply crush you with his experience. A similar situation with . The more you give your emotions and energy to the battle, the more you immerse yourself in the proposed atmosphere.
Never respond with open anger to anger. This will inflame the general situation even more and then the situation may reach the point of assault.
Sometimes it’s not a stupid decision to run away if you bother to get in the eye dangerous person with a knife in hand on the street. You obviously won’t be able to convince him with shouting, arguments and eloquence, and it’s very easy to lose control in such a situation. Therefore, try to leave the danger zone.
2. Adjustment
I also want to mention the tactic of joining. If you got into life complexity at work in which an important person appears, for example, the boss, then using " chameleon effect”, the chances of calming down with the help of such an action are doubled. What is the essence of tactics?
In no case should people who have fallen for the trick of aggression be brought to their senses with the words: “ Let's calm down!”, etc. This further divides you into two images: “overly calm, correct” and “crazy, rude, evil.”
Try to get yourself on the same wavelength as the screaming opponent. Continue the phrase in his style and intensity, after, gradually reduce the level to zero.
Using words spared, sarcasm and value judgments, you allegedly "sit down" in a boat with a person and together swim out at the mouth of a calm, measured river.
3. Self-control
As soon as you catch yourself thinking: How dare he talk to me like that! I need to prove myself right!”, then consider the battle lost! I suggest that you try to keep yourself in good shape with a correct and effective set.
It will allow you to put out your inner indignation and not lose your temper in order to disperse in the battle of two Egos. Use affirmations " I am calm, strong and restrained!», « I'm safe!". Remain calm and assure yourself that you will skillfully cope with the situation that has arisen, coming out of it as a winner, and not a “bazaar woman”.
4. Understand the motives for the incident
Ask yourself questions: Why is this person behaving like this with me?», « Why should my ears hear this text?". Cultivate the right response to anger by analyzing: What is the reason that a person who demonstrates aggression behaves this way? What really happened?».
Try to think objectively in your reflections. By understanding the motives of aggression, it will be easier for you to cope with the signals and interpret what you hear in a non-negative way.
It is possible that such behavior is caused by a completely different reason that has nothing to do with your personality. Without realizing this nuance, we often interpret what we hear at our own expense, which gives rise to aggression in response.
5. Correct body language in such cases
What actions to take next?
When you have fully focused on control, built the right protective affirmations and settled your body language, then the following advice from a psychologist will come in handy:
Try to figure everything out. Sometimes - to give advice, sometimes - just listen and give the person the opportunity to speak out on the case. Bring light and goodness to the masses! Only good can eradicate evil.
Friends, on this note, I have to put an end to it.
See you on the blog, bye bye!
Communicate with an aggressive person very difficult: faced with aggression directed at us, we immediately go into a “deaf defense”, and this is quite understandable - after all, they will attack, even if “just” with words! instinctively us either
fight or flee.
Sometimes avoiding a conflict is really the best choice: in this case, at least you won't have time to say anything that you later regret. Well, if an aggressive-minded person attacks you with a knife, then escape is perhaps the only reasonable way out!
You should never respond with anger with anger - it only inflames the situation: it is much better to make every effort to maintain equanimity and a positive attitude in such a situation.
The decisive role in this is played by the correct internal attitude. Do not allow yourself to think: “How dare he talk to me like that?” - these thoughts will only inflame your indignation more. Instead, tell yourself to remain calm and reassure yourself that you can handle the situation.
My own method of dealing with anger is to dispassionately analyze it and understand: “Why is this person behaving this way? What is the reason?"
Try to remain objective in order to understand the motives of this person's aggression, and even look at the situation through his eyes. It is quite possible that the irritation of this person is not caused by you at all, but by a certain situation - one or another event that pissed him off. You need to figure it all out before his anger turns on you personally.
Give yourself a positive mental attitude and use
correct language body. Stay upright and as open as possible, telling yourself, "I am perfectly calm, I have the situation under control and I can solve this problem." Breathe deeply. Maintain eye contact with the person and lean slightly with your body to their side (though of course this takes some courage). You should also imitate his body language if possible, but if he is waving his fists in front of your nose, then you hardly need to imitate him! By "imitation" in this case, I mean imitation within reasonable limits: for example, if a person is talking while standing, you should also stand, and if he is sitting, sit down too.
So you are in complete control of your inner voice and body language, now you should listen carefully to what you are being told. In a state of anger, few people manage to clearly express their thoughts. An angry person needs to let off steam first. Give
Therefore, do not interrupt this opportunity. Let him talk fully. He still will not hear any of your arguments until he cools down. Start asking questions only when he expresses everything that boils inside him, but before that, summarize everything he said, accepting his point of view. This will give you the opportunity to find out if you understood what you heard correctly, and show the interlocutor that he was listened to with the utmost attention. Your voice should sound confident, that is, be even and restrained: do not shout or mumble under your breath.
Example:
“So, Mr. Smith, you say that our sales representative promised to come to your meeting on Thursday, and you waited all day, and nothing?”
"Exactly. I wasted a whole day because of you."
Be involved if appropriate, and apologize if you or your organization did make a mistake.
“My sincere apologies to you, Mr. Smith. I can imagine what a terrible inconvenience we have caused you. Let us now clarify some details and try to work things out. What was your order number?
You apologized and expressed sympathy for the person (in general, it was impossible to do without it), after which you asked an open question to clarify the facts. It is to be hoped that by this time Mr. Smith has begun to cool off.
Sometimes you can try to defuse the situation by asking the angry person what action he expects from you to resolve the conflict. This will mean that you are transferring the initiative and the right to make decisions into his hands. Perhaps you will take him by surprise, and he will stop his attacks in surprise.
Seven stages of "taming" the angry
To mitigate the severity of the conflict and the resolution, the following steps must be taken:
2) adjust your body language to the situation;
3) listen carefully (active listening!) to everything that is said to you;
4) sum up what the opponent said to make sure they understood the essence of the problem (this will also show that you really listened to what you were told);
5) apologize and express sympathy (if the latter is necessary);
6) conduct probing using open questions;
7) tell the person what you are going to do to solve the existing problem.
And finally, fulfill all the promises!
What if the other person is clearly wrong?
If the wrongs and claims of a person are unfounded, that is, if YOU are right, aneon, you should confidently state it. Stand up for your position while remaining interested in your opponent's opinion.
For example: “I understand perfectly well that you take all this so personally, Mary, but, alas, I can’t agree with you.” You showed some sympathy for the other person's feelings, but then counterbalanced that concession by expressing your own point of view.
If this does not calm your opponent, you should start to act more assertively. For example: "I don't think I ever showed you any disrespect in my life, Mary, but I really need to know why you think that."
If the person continues to persist in their anger after this, take another firm step forward and emphasize your point again. For example: "I don't agree with that."
Do not allow a person to strengthen his opinion if it is wrong. Guide him to a correct understanding of the situation.
If the person refuses to change their mood and continues to yell and swear, you should set your own condition, such as: "Mary, if you don't stop talking to me in a raised voice, I will ask you to leave."
If all your efforts are still unsuccessful, you should stop further attempts and do what you warned about, or, postponing the discussion of the problem or dispute, offer to look into the causes of these clashes.
For example: “Listen, for the last three months, all we've been doing is scolding, and it's all to no avail. So let's stop this dispute for the time being and still find out the reasons for its origin.
Distract the person from figuring out who is right and who is wrong. Encourage him to analyze behavior and motives in order to understand the origins of the conflict.
You may be able to look at an aggressive person with different eyes if you try to understand the motives of his behavior. Or maybe in order to work out the right tactics for communicating with him, you should better understand his character.
Whatever the cause of the person's irritation, try to always remain calm: count to ten before answering, take a breath and try to understand other people's feelings and their origins first of all, instead of concentrating on your own experiences.
We all react differently to stress factors and perceive the same problems differently: what unbalances one person is completely normal for another. There is nothing surprising in this - just remember the differences in characters. Therefore, instead of telling a person: “I don’t understand why you are so upset, angry, offended because of such trifles,” try to understand and accept the fact that we are all different. What is NOTHING to you is NOTHING to someone else.
The article was prepared based on the book by Polina Rawson "Communication Technique"
If aggressive behavior is manifested in approximately the same way in all children, then the causes of aggressiveness can vary significantly. Conventionally, it is customary to divide the causes of aggressiveness into biological (those that are due to hereditary factors) and social (related to the style of upbringing and communication in the family, in kindergarten and school, etc.).
Biological prerequisites for aggressiveness
Is it possible to explain the aggressiveness of a child only by genetically programmed qualities? Abroad, there are various scientific theories in which the innate qualities of a person are called the main and only cause of aggression. In one theory, scientists argue that genes are to blame. A person allegedly behaves aggressively with those people with whom he is not related, and, on the contrary, promotes those with whom he has similar genes. Other known theory- the theory of drives - belongs to 3. Freud. In it, he writes about the innate preconditions for aggression. According to the theory of drives, a person has two opposite instincts: the “life instinct” (creative, associated with love and care, it is provided by libido) and the “death instinct” (destructive, destructive, expressed in anger and hatred, in passion for destruction). From what instinct prevails in a person, his behavior depends. Moreover, psychoanalysts believed that aggression is difficult to manage, it cannot be overcome, but can only be temporarily restrained and sublimated (translated into creative activity, For example). The well-known Austrian ethologist K. Lorenz (ethology is the science of animal and human behavior) believes that aggression is the basis of dominance and determines the hierarchy of relationships that is built in the struggle for power. It is a natural instinct that serves to preserve life and the species.
In domestic psychology, the theory of B. Teplov about the types of temperament is known. The type of temperament (choleric, sanguine, melancholic or phlegmatic) directly determines what character traits the child will have. And, despite the fact that there are no “pure” types of temperament, there is always a leading, basic type that determines the nature of emotional response and behavior.
Phlegmatic children least likely to be aggressive. They are emotionally balanced, calm, practically nothing and no one can piss them off. Such children are slow, they think everything over for a long time, and only then they begin to act, behave judiciously. The only thing that makes them stressful condition, this is a shortage of time, as well as changes in their familiar environment.
Phlegmatic people are very rigid (conservative, prefer the same ways of thinking and behaving). In extremely rare cases, phlegmatic can be driven to rage. If you regularly demand the impossible from him (“Get dressed faster!”, “Eat soon, we are late!”, “Well, why are you such a mess!”), Then even a peaceful phlegmatic person can “boil”.
melancholic children are also considered non-aggressive. They are very emotionally sensitive, any little thing can upset them or scare them. Such children do not tolerate any innovations, a sudden change of scenery, noisy games and competitions with other children. All this causes them an acute stress state. In stress, the melancholic becomes isolated, withdraws into himself and practically becomes incapable of any productive activity. Inclined to blame himself for everything, it is the melancholic who is prone to bouts of auto-aggression (aggression directed at himself). A typical monologue of a melancholic first grader: “I’m the only one to blame for everything, everyone wrote down homework, but I forgot, let me put a deuce! Or get kicked out of the class forever! Because I'm the worst!" It all ends in tears. suicide attempts in adolescence characteristic of melancholics.
Sanguine children cheerful, optimistic, easily make new acquaintances, sociable, are initiators various games. Sanguine people love a change of activity, they quickly get carried away and can just as quickly quit a boring activity. IN stressful situation behave actively, boldly defending their own or others' interests. Emotionally sanguine people are balanced, and therefore they rarely openly show aggression, trying to solve everything peacefully through compromise. Only when calmly resolve difficult situation fails, the sanguine person may show aggression.
Choleric children are the most active, emotionally unbalanced, and therefore, naturally, more prone to aggression than others. By nature, they are irritable, quick-tempered, impatient, subject to frequent mood swings, it is difficult for them to do one thing for a long time, they quickly get tired. Poorly endure the waiting situation.
Cholerics quickly navigate in a new environment, instantly make decisions. However, as a rule, they act first and think later. This gives rise to many conflict situations that choleric people try to resolve with the help of a scream or a fight. Aggressive behavior in choleric people is due to their high emotional instability.
The girl, who dreamed of professionally practicing ballet, received a serious knee injury before entering the Vaganov School. The verdict of the doctors was a shock for the girl: she can never again do what she loves.
Arriving home, she in a rage tore all her ballet costumes, threw away her pointe shoes, scattered all her things around the room and flatly refused to go to school.
In the heat of passion, choleric teens can commit suicide or delinquency.
Social prerequisites for aggressiveness
Aggressive parental behavior. We rarely realize that we are trying to raise our children the way we ourselves were raised in childhood. Therefore, if the father (or mother) of a child was beaten in childhood, then, naturally, he will consider physical punishment necessary.
One man said with a laugh that at school the teacher beat them on the hands with a ruler. Didn't learn the lesson - by the hair and head on the board! He still believes that this is the right thing to do and supports the desire of some countries to return to physical punishment in schools. He often beats his son. The boy became angry not only at his father, but at the whole world.
Consider another situation where parents have accumulated a lot of unresolved issues, life did not work out as they wanted, and they splash out all the irritation and negativism on the child. The child then gets it every day, any little thing infuriates such a parent.
One mother, after the birth of her second child, was forced to leave her beloved highly paid job and sit at home with two small children. The eldest child was very mobile, inquisitive, did not sit still for a minute. One day, going out for a walk in a new expensive suit, he slipped and fell into a puddle, hitting his knee painfully. The clothes were all dirty. Mom immediately cursed, yelled at her son, and when he started crying, she hit him hard in the face, breaking his lip. This woman has higher education And loving husband. I knew this boy from birth and saw that the older he gets, the more aggressiveness is manifested in his behavior, both towards people and towards animals.
Parents who humiliate their children by publicly insulting them form a child's low self-esteem, self-doubt and self-confidence. Remember: later on, the child will compensate for this with his aggressiveness.
Rough words, harsh tone, irritability and assault on his child embitter him. The child learns this model of parental behavior as the only possible and correct one.
Authoritarian parenting style. Some parents believe that the child is a helpless creature, and therefore it must be controlled and directed all the time. The child is driven into the framework of strict rules and norms, not allowing a single independent step. All this is done for the good of the child, as parents think. In reality, the child is deprived of the opportunity to be himself, to take the initiative. Some children react passively to such dictatorship, such children are usually shy, timid, insecure, choosing as friends (then - a marriage partner) strong personalities. Another part of the children reacts actively, accumulating displeasure and anger, splashing it out in the form of outbreaks of aggression and protest behavior. It is these children who can subsequently commit offenses, run away from home in spite of their parents, who oppressed and suppressed them.
Family conflicts. In every family, even the happiest and most harmonious, sometimes there are conflict situations. In such cases, very great importance has how they are resolved and what role the baby plays in this. Unfortunately, often the reason family quarrels one way or another, the child appears (adults hold different views on education, or the baby serves as an instrument for one of the parents to achieve their goals). In a family where conflicts between parents occur regularly, children do not feel safe and are constantly in suspense. They become nervous, fearful or aggressive, irritable. The most powerful shock for the psyche of the child is the divorce of the parents. The world familiar to him is collapsing, he loses a sense of security and trust in loved ones.
Serezha's parents divorced a little More than a month back. Previously, he was a calm, reasonable child who actively communicated with the children in kindergarten. After the divorce, caregivers began to constantly complain about sudden outbursts of aggression towards other children. The boy often shows irritability and stubbornness, refuses to participate in games.
Divorce. This is very severe stress for a child. Parents should help the child adapt to the changes that have taken place, by demonstrating to the child that, despite the current situation in their family, he remains loved and significant in the life of each of them. It is sad that most parents are not able to cope with their emotional experiences. Being in nervous tension, they solve only their own problems and cannot pay attention to their son or daughter. Continuing to sort things out in the presence of the baby and blaming each other for the current situation, parents often try to attract the child to their side, and he, trying to draw attention to himself, often behaves defiantly and aggressively. It happens that parents throw out their irritation on the baby, pointing out those negative traits of character or appearance that the culprit of the break in relations has: “You are as sloppy as your father!”, “You are as stupid as your mother!” etc. At the same time, children in most cases tend to blame themselves for what is happening. “My parents separated because I misbehaved,” the kid suggests. In this case, the child may experience outbreaks of auto-aggression. Parents should explain to the baby the main thing: despite the fact that dad and mom will live separately, they love him and will communicate with him in the same way as before. It should be borne in mind that the reactions of girls and boys to the divorce of their parents sometimes differ: girls are more likely to have internal experiences, fears, irritability and increased anxiety, boys become aggressive and conflict.
unwanted child. Unfortunately, if the parents (especially the mother) were internally against the birth of a child, then in the future the child will always have emotional problems. Feeling unwanted, the child will try with all his might to prove that he is good, that he can do a lot. Usually such children, feeling that attempts to win parental love are futile, become nervous, embittered and easily commit aggressive acts.
Lack of attention from parents. Modern, always busy parents who pay too little attention to an active, restless baby also run the risk of facing the problem of child aggressiveness quite early. Not wanting to go unnoticed and abandoned, the child accessible ways attracts the attention it lacks.
Loaded with work and their problems, parents usually react to the child only when he "did something." The child argues like this: “It is better for them to scold me than not to pay attention at all,” and behaves aggressively, protesting against the indifference of their parents.
By the way, aggressiveness in children can also manifest itself in the reverse situation, that is, with an excess of attention. If parents inspire the child that he is the “center of the universe”, anticipate any of his desires, indulge and indulge beyond measure, then the child, deprived of this at one fine moment, gives out an outbreak of aggression. These children have the hardest time in children's team. Not getting what they want, children can fall to the floor and start screaming heart-rendingly, waving their arms and legs. This situation is perfectly described by A. Kuprin in the story “White Poodle”: “A boy of eight or ten years old jumped out onto the terrace from the inner rooms like a bomb, uttering piercing cries.<...>without stopping his squealing for a second, he fell on his stomach on the stone floor with a run, quickly rolled onto his back and, with great ferocity, began to jerk his arms and legs in all directions.<...>Despite his extreme excitement, he still strove to get his heels into the stomachs and legs of the people fussing around him ... ".
Restrictions and prohibitions. If at home or in kindergarten a child is constantly restricted in movement or in self-expression, then by the end of the day uncontrollable aggressive behavior will be quite natural. If a child is forbidden to run, jump and make noise at home, he will do it in kindergarten, and vice versa. That is why he will be an "angel" in one place, and "God's punishment" for adults in another. Energy must find a way out. It is unnatural and extremely harmful to the health of the child to block it. “Sit quietly, don’t interfere, read, draw, calm down, finally!” An active, mobile child simply does not hear all these shouts. If you haven't given your child the opportunity to release stress naturally, they will be nervous, irritable, and aggressive.
We have examined in such detail the causes of a child's aggressiveness related to the family only because in early and preschool childhood it is the family that determines what the child's character and behavior will be like. At the same time, it cannot be denied that children's aggressiveness also depends on other causes. The formation of aggressiveness is influenced by the behavior of peers and teachers in kindergarten (school), means mass media(V modern society the impact of the media on the child's psyche is very high), computer addiction, background noise (it has been proven that people living near busy highways, airports, etc., the level of aggressiveness is much higher than that of residents of quiet areas), fatigue (especially chronic), lack of personal space (for example, when several generations live in a small apartment at once, and the child does not have the opportunity to retire), and many others. others
Computer games. I would like to pay special attention to the most urgent problem today - "The child and the computer." This topic does not leave the pages of newspapers and magazines, they talk about it on radio and television. No one doubts that the computer is not only a useful developmental thing, but also a system that, if used incorrectly, causes irreparable harm to health. Computer addiction has long been included in the ICD-10 (International Classification of Diseases) as one of the diseases.
The son of my acquaintances from the age of 7-8 began to sit at the computer for a long time, over time he began to understand it well. Once he read a lot, talked with friends, but gradually the computer replaced everyone and everything. Now that he is 13 years old, he is ready to spend at the computer 24 hours a day. Naturally, parents try to regulate this process. However, if parents forbid sitting at the computer for more than an hour, the teenager experiences outbursts of rage and anger, he can start destroying everything in the apartment and doing everything in defiance.
This is a problem faced by at least every second parent. But the sprouts of this problem begin to ripen already in preschool age. Parents often ask whether it is necessary to buy a computer for a five-six-year-old child, how much time a day can a preschool child spend on it, and what can a child do at a computer? These are not idle questions. Unfortunately, the answers to them can change little in a modern life full of various electronic technology. It is convenient for a parent who is tired after work (who will argue with that!), When their child watches cartoons on a computer for 1-3 hours or more. This gives parents freedom and peace after a busy day at work. It is curious that even parents of one and a half year old children use such a “happy” opportunity to take a child!
It is believed that it is too early to buy a computer for a preschooler: he has a high need for movement, in communicating with peers, do not deprive him of these values. A preschooler can spend at the computer no more than 30 minutes a day. And than younger child, the less time he has to sit in front of the screen.
I can not understand why the authors seek to endow negative character fangs, sharp teeth, horns and other attributes of aggression? Why does the outside take precedence over the inside? For example, in the old Soviet cartoon " gray neck" There is villain- Fox. There are other accents in this image: the children are afraid of her not for her threatening appearance, but for cunning and deceit, intonations of her voice and bad intentions. "Masha and the Bear" is a witty, funny modern cartoon that is interesting to watch for both adults and children. By the way, it perfectly reflects the psychology of the child.
Don't neglect the classics. Watch with your child kind, beautiful, bright cartoons that teach goodness: “Heron and Crane” by Y. Norshtein, “ The Snow Queen”,“ Cinderella ”,“ Thumbelina ”,“ 38 parrots ”,“ Ushastik and his friends ”,“ Crocodile Gena and Cheburashka ”,“ The Adventures of Brownie Kuzi ”,“ Shake! Hello!", " The Bremen Town Musicians"and many others. others
Parents themselves are tired of aggressive, meaningless television for children. With the advent of the Internet, they have a wonderful opportunity to choose what their children will watch and listen to.
Do not chase fashion, do not be afraid to be behind the times, because the main thing that your child should see from computer and TV screens is kindness and beauty.
Foreign scientists have calculated that, on average, physical or verbal aggression occurs on television screens every 4 minutes. Russian scientists have also found that children who watch TV for more than 3 hours a day are more aggressive and more vulnerable to aggression from others than those who spend less than 2 hours watching TV. You decide and choose how better for a child carry out their free time, but you should not forget about the connection between your child's aggressiveness and the content of media products.
Age crises
Outbursts of aggressiveness are closely related to age-related crises that a child goes through. If an adult has age-related crises every 8-10 years, then a child experiences them more often. Peak aggressive behavior can be observed at 3-4 years and at 6-7 years. These are natural and passing moments. How do crises unfold and how to respond to them?
Crisis 3 years
I have a mother of three-year-old Lisa at the reception. She is at a loss, her husband is indignant: the child seems to have been replaced. “About her,” says my mother, “she immediately throws herself on the floor and screams, says “I don’t want” and “I won’t” to everything.
Mom doesn't know it's okay. Whims and outbreaks of aggression at 3 years old is an indicator that the child is growing, developing and making attempts to assert itself. And he should not be punished for this, he should be helped.
Especially often the aggression of a three-year-old child is manifested in connection with the dissatisfaction of immediate desires. The more difficulties encountered in their implementation, the stronger the emotional outburst of the child, especially if he wanted to do something on his own. At this moment, the baby especially needs the emotional support of an adult. The child needs to be allowed to express his negative emotions: this is an important part of his development and growing up. You should not try to immediately extinguish negative experiences, and even more so emotionally react to the affective outbursts of the baby, which happened out of place and out of time.
The crisis of 3 years has very conditional age limits. It can begin at 2-2.5 years and proceed rapidly and rapidly, or it can go unnoticed by parents even at 3 years. The form, duration and severity of manifestation will depend on individual characteristics the baby, the style of upbringing, the composition of the family, etc. It is well known that the tougher the parents behave, the more acute the crisis phenomena are. The beginning of the visit also has an unfavorable effect on the passage of the crisis. kindergarten. It is believed that it is better to give the child to preschool up to 2 years, or about 4 years.
The crisis of 3 years begins with the growth of the child's independence (“I can already do a lot on my own”), when he tries to assert his “I” and establish new relationships with an adult. As a rule, adults do not have time to quickly reorganize and continue to communicate with the child as with a helpless little creature, limiting his independent attempts to achieve any goal. It is at this time that all the crisis phenomena inherent in given age. It must be remembered that the more trusting and calmer the relationship of the child with the mother, the milder this crisis will be. Screaming, irritability, authoritarian parents will exacerbate the aggressive behavior of the child. Do not forget to praise the child even for small, but independent attempts to achieve results in any business - this is the key to the child's high self-esteem in the future. The child must necessarily have a feeling and experience of success, then the crisis will pass unnoticed and the child's behavior will even out.
In the unfavorable course of the crisis, associated, for example, with the wrong behavior of parents, the child may have undesirable character traits and aggressiveness, which will lead to a complication of relations with the child.
The crisis of 7 years is difficult period in the life of a child, when all his stereotypes change, all his ideas about the world that were formed earlier. The child, who previously behaved naively and directly, begins to comprehend his actions, to think them over in advance, the usual impulsiveness is replaced by internal concentration and the desire for even greater independence. Playing activities in kindergarten are replaced by educational ones at school, there are more rigid frameworks and rules that regulate all the activities of the child. All these transformations cannot but affect the behavior of the child. Therefore, he can often show aggressiveness in response to misunderstanding on the part of adults, failure in any activity, etc.
What to do?
Try to support and praise the child more for real successes and achievements, emphasizing that he can do a lot on his own.
Eliminate the commanding tone, be friendly.
It is necessary to jointly discuss the causes and consequences of certain actions, mistakes and ways to correct them.
Show sincere interest in the inner experiences and doubts of the child, do not ridicule his fears.
Spend more time doing art, reading, etc.
Do not focus on negative manifestations - and the child will not be interested in demonstrating them.
Most importantly, try to be more attentive to your child, show more love, warmth, affection, tell him more often that you love him and miss him when you are not together.
Based on the materials of the book by E. I. Shapiro
“A dog is biting only from a dog’s life,” the heroes sang famous cartoon. So it is - a person is not born either aggressive or vicious. The habitat makes him such, and not coping with this difficult life, he often makes himself.
Let's try to understand in more detail. Here is one of the definitions of aggression: “Aggression is a motivated destructive behavior that is contrary to the norms of the coexistence of people, harming the objects of attack, causing physical harm to people or causing them psychological discomfort.” In other words, aggression destroys the wearer himself and the world around him. Why, despite the sad consequences, is there so much of it around us today?
What makes us be aggressive?
The society in which we live is like a bus filled with passengers and rushing along an endless road towards an unknown destination. That is, everyone inside, of course, has his own goal, but fellow travelers are forced to move towards it along one road and in one vehicle. And they go, taking places of different comfort: someone collapsed on a soft bed on the second floor of this hypothetical bus, someone leaned back in a comfortable chair, someone sits on hard but strong chairs, and someone stands holding on to the handrails and already very tired. There are also those who lie side by side on the cold floor in the aisle. And the bus keeps picking up speed. At the same time, the road along which he moves is different in quality and relief - potholes, sharp turns, ascents and descents. What does not add to passengers of calmness and convenience.
If we leave the allegory, then to a large extent, life itself dictates behavior patterns to us. Its rhythm is so rapid that people do not have enough time to stop and think. Competition for seats at least on solid chairs, not to mention comfortable chairs in that bus is very high, and there are much more applicants around than comfortable “seats in the sun”. And then many begin to resolutely and harshly wield their elbows, taking out the accumulated fatigue, jealousy, fear, greed and envy on fellow fellow travelers, at the same time trying to take away what another got by accident, as they think, and not by justice.
The reasons should be sought in childhood. Severe parents, lack of love and positive emotions, especially at the age of five, authoritarianism in the family and in small groups such as kindergarten and the yard environment of the child do not leave him a choice - he can assert himself only with the help of aggressive actions. Also, persistent aggressiveness is a consequence of adverse conditions. personal formation and self-identification as a member of society. The lower the level of development of a person, the more aggression he shows in relation to those whom he identifies as "undeservedly turned out to be higher" - this is a clear example of envy.
Aggressive people adapt to the world around them, trying to impose their dominance on others and forcing those they meet to give way to them - this is how self-doubt and fear of being pushed aside from any benefits, spiritual or material, are manifested.
Adrenaline - stimulant and destroyer
Specialists - psychologists and neurologists - argue that a constant feeling of anxiety and fear provokes the development of cardiovascular diseases with high risk early heart attacks and strokes. And a person who is envious of others has a chance of getting a heart attack two and a half times faster than someone who reacts calmly or with joy to the successes of others. Jealousy significantly increases the imbalance of hormones in the human body, and self-doubt and self-humiliation, which are also one of the main causes of aggressive behavior, increase the likelihood of oncological diseases. A greedy and domineering person more often than others has serious problems with the digestive tract - up to bulimia or anorexia, which pose a serious threat to health.
Any aggressive-minded person is constantly under stress. He is tense, sees enemies in almost everyone and is ready to attack and defend himself even where it is not required at all, and therefore the level of stress hormones - adrenaline, cortisone, norepinephrine, thyroxine is kept at a consistently high level and imperceptibly destroys the body of the "aggressor".
Adrenaline is a powerful hormone, under its influence muscles tense up, preparing to "fight or flight." It raises blood pressure and increases the heart rate, suspends digestion, as blood drains from the stomach and intestines and flows to the muscles. If the stress is short-lived, then the release of adrenaline is useful, but with constant stress, excess hormones enter the body continuously - after all, the carrier of aggressiveness has been living in anger at the whole world for years. Feeling of insignificance, fear and anger - these are the feelings that accompany the unfortunate every day. High level adrenaline, which does not decrease for a long time, leads to the fact that high blood pressure and rapid heart rate become common. And for the body it is extremely harmful: the blood sugar content increases, blood clotting increases, which leads to thrombosis, the load on the thyroid gland increases, more cholesterol is produced. Prolonged exposure to all these factors literally kills.
Tell me what you eat...
Not so long ago, American scientists found that in addition to psychological and moral factors, certain foods can also increase aggressiveness in a person. For example, trans fats (surrogate oils) contained in margarine, french fries, chips, ketchup, popcorn, cakes, pastries, waffles, donuts, crackers, fried convenience foods in breadcrumbs, ice cream, concentrated broths, dry soups.
After studying 1,300 volunteers, half of whom were fed "harmful" foods, scientists found that trans fats can actually cause changes in behavior, make people unnecessarily irritable. The participants in the experiment, who consumed trans fats, experienced emotions of different intensity - ranging from ordinary impatience to real unmotivated aggression.
Many also believe that people who eat meat are more aggressive than those who eat only plant foods. The controversy around meat-eating and vegetarianism has not subsided for years, but it is foolish to think that if we do not use meat for food, we will become less aggressive and more moral. Our aggressiveness has much deeper roots than it might seem at first glance. Being aggressive and adopting a vegetarian diet, a person deprived of habitual and satisfying food is likely to become even more aggressive than before.
How to deal with an aggressive person?
- First of all, correct internal installation is important. Don't let yourself think, "How dare he talk to me like that?" - these thoughts will not allow you to hear the interlocutor. Instead, tell yourself to remain calm and reassure yourself that you can handle the situation.
- Use correct body language. Stay straight and as open as possible, telling yourself: "I am absolutely calm, I have the situation under control and I can solve this problem." Breathe deeply. Maintain eye contact and imperceptibly move your body towards your opponent. If possible, you should also imitate his body language, but if he swings his fists in front of your face, then you hardly need to imitate him. Simply, if a person is talking while standing, you should also stand, and if he is sitting, sit down too.
- Now you need to listen carefully to what you are told. In a state of anger, few people manage to clearly express their thoughts. An angry person needs to let off steam first. Give him this opportunity and do not interrupt. Let him talk fully. He still will not hear any of your arguments until he cools down. Proceed to questions only when he expresses everything that he has boiled. Your voice should sound confident, that is, be even and restrained: do not shout or babble.
- Do not yield to him even a millimeter: he knows exactly what effect his behavior has on people and is used to winning by sowing fear. Remain calm and the attack will be thwarted. There is no need to be outraged and even more so to make excuses. Try to translate the conversation into a more concrete plan, mundane and logical.
- Give your aggressive interlocutor time to calm down and force him to justify his behavior.
- Look for ways to discharge. An aggressive person likes to be in opposition. Refusing confrontation and agreeing with his position will lead him to confusion.
- Do not allow a person to strengthen his opinion if it is wrong. Guide him to a correct understanding of the situation persistently, calmly and gently.
- If he still refuses to change his behavior and continues to yell and fight, you should set your own condition, for example: "If you do not stop talking to me in a raised voice, I will ask you to leave."
In general, people react differently to stressors and perceive the same problems: what unbalances one person, another will not even notice. There is nothing surprising in this - we are different. And instead of telling a person: “I don’t understand why this pissed you off and upset you so much, it’s a real trifle!” Try to understand and accept the fact that each of us is unique. And then you can easily cope with the aggression of anyone traveling through life in the same bus as you.
Most people are unloved. Neither in childhood nor in adult life many of us have not received the love that forms the foundation harmonious relationship with oneself and with the world. There are two energies. Energy of love And the energy of fear. Everything else is the varieties that make up these energies. And when missing Love, turns on fear. And exactly fear provokes aggression, claims, paranoia. The unconscious mechanism turns on as follows - the tension of the outside world starts fear, fear includes internal protection in the form of aggression, dissatisfaction with life leads to addictions (alcohol, for example), this in turn exacerbates internal contradictions and enhances the pathological perception of oneself and the world. And thus the person commits uncontrollable, inadequate actions. The psyche seems to explode from the accumulated tension. In this "cold" time, natural, natural relationship, emotions.
Love yourself, start appreciating and respecting yourself. And then there is the need to share it with others.
Love, it is amazingly arranged. The more you give, the more you have left. And then life begins to line up according to other laws. Not from the scarcity of everything and the needs of it, but from abundance. And then abundance comes into your life.
I want to give an example of an amazing person: an old man, hieromonk, Father Sevostyan, from the Yenisei monastery he was sent to serve in the outback, the taiga, where there is a small temple, a little church. You can get there only in winter along the winter road, which was laid for timber trucks. And in the summer by helicopter. This amazing person. Embodiment of Divine love. He speaks very in simple terms but he says it in such a way that every word hits the heart. In this Temple, everything is free, candles, notes, for which Father Sevostyan prays. And everything is there: a bell tower, an equipped Temple, rare icons. The lamps there never go out, they burn day and night. So Father Sevostyan preserves blessed fire from Jerusalem.
When I heard the ringing of bells in this outback, in the taiga, in the forest, it seemed to me that angels had descended from heaven, it was so beautiful. When Father Sevostyan escorts you on your way back, he gives you fruits for the journey: apples, grapes, pineapple, pies, and carefully asks: "Do you have everything?" And he does not have a sales department, management and other management structures. But he has amazing power love that can create. Numerous parcels from different cities are streaming into this locality where even electricity is turned on by the hour. And this amazing person lives from the state love and abundance, and not out of selfishness and fear A. And for everyone, he will find exactly the words that he needs in this moment that will help him solve his problems and become better. And in conclusion of my emotional text, I would like to quote the words of Father Sevostyan - "There is no reason for you to be upset, let alone despair."
