Why are we aggressive? If a person shows aggression - how to behave

Communicate with an aggressive person very difficult: faced with aggression directed at us, we immediately go into a “deaf defense”, and this is quite understandable - after all, they will attack, even if “just” with words! instinctively us either

fight or flee.

Sometimes avoiding a conflict is really the best choice: in this case, at least you won't have time to say anything that you later regret. Well, if an aggressive-minded person attacks you with a knife, then escape is perhaps the only reasonable way out!

You should never respond with anger with anger - it only inflames the situation: it is much better to make every effort to maintain equanimity and a positive attitude in such a situation.

The decisive role in this is played by the correct internal attitude. Do not allow yourself to think: “How dare he talk to me like that?” - these thoughts will only inflame your indignation more strongly. Instead, tell yourself to remain calm and reassure yourself that you can handle the situation.

My own method of dealing with anger is to dispassionately analyze it and understand: “Why is this person behaving this way? What is the reason?"

Try to remain objective in order to understand the motives of this person's aggression, and even look at the situation through his eyes. It is quite possible that the irritation of this person is not caused by you at all, but by a certain situation - one or another event that pissed him off. You need to figure it all out before his anger turns on you personally.

Give yourself a positive mental attitude and use

correct body language. Stay upright and as open as possible, telling yourself, "I am perfectly calm, I have the situation under control and I can solve this problem." Breathe deeply. Maintain eye contact with the person and lean slightly with your body to their side (though of course this takes some courage). You should also imitate his body language if possible, but if he is waving his fists in front of your nose, then you hardly need to imitate him! By "imitation" in this case, I mean imitation within reasonable limits: for example, if a person is talking while standing, you should also stand, and if he is sitting, sit down too.

So you are in complete control of your inner voice and body language, now you should listen carefully to what you are being told. In a state of anger, few people manage to clearly express their thoughts. An angry person needs to let off steam first. Give

Therefore, do not interrupt this opportunity. Let him talk fully. He still will not hear any of your arguments until he cools down. Start asking questions only when he expresses everything that boils inside him, but before that, summarize everything he said, accepting his point of view. This will give you the opportunity to find out if you understood what you heard correctly, and show the interlocutor that he was listened to with the utmost attention. Your voice should sound confident, that is, be even and restrained: do not shout or mumble under your breath.

Example:

“So, Mr. Smith, you say that our sales representative promised to come to your meeting on Thursday, and you waited all day, and nothing?”

"Exactly. I wasted a whole day because of you."

Be involved if appropriate, and apologize if you or your organization did make a mistake.

“My sincere apologies to you, Mr. Smith. I can imagine what a terrible inconvenience we have caused you. Let us now clarify some details and try to work things out. What was your order number?

You apologized and expressed sympathy for the person (in general, it was impossible to do without it), after which you asked an open question to clarify the facts. It is to be hoped that by this time Mr. Smith has begun to cool down.

Sometimes you can try to defuse the situation by asking the angry person what action he expects from you to resolve the conflict. This will mean that you are transferring the initiative and the right to make decisions into his hands. Perhaps you will take him by surprise, and he will stop his attacks in surprise.

Seven stages of "taming" the angry

To mitigate the severity of the conflict and the resolution, the following steps must be taken:

2) adjust your body language to the situation;

3) listen carefully (active listening!) to everything that is said to you;

4) sum up what the opponent said to make sure they understood the essence of the problem (this will also show that you really listened to what you were told);

5) apologize and express sympathy (if the latter is necessary);

6) conduct probing using open questions;

7) tell the person what you are going to do to solve the existing problem.

And finally, fulfill all the promises!

What if the other person is clearly wrong?

If the wrongs and claims of a person are unfounded, that is, if YOU are right, aneon, you should confidently state it. Stand up for your position while remaining interested in your opponent's opinion.

For example: “I understand perfectly well that you take all this so personally, Mary, but, alas, I can’t agree with you.” You showed some sympathy for the other person's feelings, but then counterbalanced that concession by expressing your own point of view.

If this does not calm your opponent, you should start to act more assertively. For example: "I don't think I ever showed you any disrespect in my life, Mary, but I really need to know why you think that."

If the person continues to persist in their anger after this, take another firm step forward and emphasize your point again. For example: "I don't agree with that."

Do not allow a person to strengthen his opinion if it is wrong. Guide him to a correct understanding of the situation.

If the person refuses to change their mood and continues to yell and swear, you should set your own condition, such as: "Mary, if you don't stop talking to me in a raised voice, I will ask you to leave."

If all your efforts are still unsuccessful, you should stop further attempts and do what you warned about, or, postponing the discussion of the problem or dispute, offer to look into the causes of these clashes.

For example: “Listen, for the last three months, all we've been doing is scolding, and it's all to no avail. So let's stop this dispute for the time being and still find out the reasons for its origin.

Distract the person from figuring out who is right and who is wrong. Encourage him to analyze behavior and motives in order to understand the origins of the conflict.

You may be able to look at an aggressive person with different eyes if you try to understand the motives of his behavior. Or maybe in order to work out the right tactics for communicating with him, you should better understand his character.

Whatever the cause of the person's irritation, try to always remain calm: count to ten before answering, take a breath and try to understand other people's feelings and their origins first of all, instead of concentrating on your own experiences.

We all react differently to stress factors and perceive the same problems differently: what unbalances one person is completely normal for another. There is nothing surprising in this - just remember the differences in characters. Therefore, instead of telling a person: “I don’t understand why you are so upset, angry, offended because of such trifles,” try to understand and accept the fact that we are all different. What is NOTHING to you is NOTHING to someone else.

The article was prepared based on the book by Polina Rawson "Communication Technique"

Aggression in children is often considered by educators and doctors as the result of pedagogical neglect or as a clear symptom of neurological or psychiatric diseases. However, psychologist Olga Makhovskaya sees a powerful resource behind the manifestations of children's aggressiveness and, first of all, they try to understand the causes of aggression.

6 types of aggressive kids

According to the psychological content, aggression can be of different types.

1. Manifestation of crisis in development when the child has "grown" out of the old relationship with the environment and needs a new type of connection. It was at this time that adults' attempts to behave "as always" cause a natural protest in kids who have developed independence skills, accumulated lexicon and as a result, the need for greater freedom of action has increased;
2. The manifestation of a strong temperament. Children with a strong temperament are tireless, they are real marathon runners. The average norms of sleep and rest are not suitable for children whose inclinations allow them to play, move, listen to fairy tales, draw, etc. for a long time and with enthusiasm. The main reasons for external aggression in a child may be the desire to complete what has been started, immersion in the game process. Children with a strong temperament are capricious and indignant when they are underloaded, and therefore not satisfied;
3. A signal of physical malaise, physiological discomfort, low mood. Until we teach the child to distinguish between physical and emotional states, he will communicate them in indirect ways, which include symptoms of discomfort. The child will speak with his whole body until he has learned the right words to describe important states and desires;
4. A way of dominating relationships with peers or adults. High level aggressiveness in family relationships when parents secretly or openly conflict, serves as a direct cause of children's aggression and the desire to rule;
5. A signal of a lack of positive emotions. A child can “bring” negative emotions, expectations and fears from the family to kindergarten or school. Aggression towards peers is motivated by the desire to get rid of unpleasant and frightening tension. Instead of punishing the child, driving him into a vicious circle of suffering, we must listen to him, take pity on him and reassure him;
6. Manifestation of "righteous anger". Fighting moralists who believe that "a normal child is an obedient child," psychologists offer to distinguish between aggression and righteous anger. If there is an objective reason for indignation and protest, for example, one of the parents once again does not fulfill the promise to visit the zoo, the child is understandably angry.

Here are two cases in which the reasons for the aggressiveness of children are not obvious, and only the help of a psychologist helped the parents to see the internal motives of the child's behavior.

Brawler Misha: too much energy

Mishka is 5 years old and he is a fighter. He gladly gives commands to his family, and they have already realized that sometimes it is easier to obey than to agree. Nevertheless, the whole family puts up tough resistance to Mishka. Through joint efforts, resorting to telephone conversations with a strict father, and even to physical punishment, they still manage to put him to sleep day and night, make him remove the toys lying around the house, and behave quietly at the table, obeying general regime family life.

Since the problems began from birth, the family lives in a heavy anticipation of the pathology of the child's development. In addition, neuroleptics radically remove the problem of sleep. By the time he consulted a psychologist, his parents had already registered the boy with a neurologist and a psychiatrist.

What's happening. For people who are strong choleric temperament, characterized by endurance, assertiveness, high physical tone, the need for physiological satisfaction, high excitability. Temperament is genetically determined. It cannot be fixed, but you can learn to deal with the problem side.

First: choleric people need additional physical activity They need to move as much as possible. If parents hold back, "hobble" the child, the need for movement grows rapidly, and the "relaxation" will become too bright.

Second: choleric people are expansive. They do not like obstacles and try to take up as much space as possible. That's why toys are scattered everywhere.

Third feature: dominance. Better conditions for choleric people - a hierarchy, which is built on the principle "who is stronger, he is more important." The authority of the father is unshakable, and the rest of the family members are tried "weakly". We do not call for physical punishment, but sometimes you need to show strength by simply grasping a child tightly by the wrist, or breaking a stick in front of him, or making a threatening mine.

Children with a choleric temperament are sensitive to strong signals. Weak incentives, dull talk about moral side questions, requests to regret they do not take seriously. Those who are weaker than them, they do not obey. Choleric children need not so much rest as additional stress and stress. They are true marathon runners.

Hardened Sergey: too little love

Sergey is 11 years old, he is the youngest teenager. Dad and mom wanted him to grow up as an independent strong guy, so from the very beginning it was decided not to spoil the boy. Dad raised his son as a real man. It was assumed that the school would give education, and in the family they would temper character. Mom was completely supportive of dad.

Complaints of teachers that the boy behaves aggressively began to grow from class to class. But no one expected that he would start yelling at his mother, accusing her of greed. Skirmishes with his father were planned ahead. With these fears, Sergey's mother turned to a psychologist.

What's happening. Aggression is the last attempt to send a request for love to parents when there is not even pity. Three ways to get love back:

• a manifestation of tenderness (the child caresses in the hope of a reciprocal affection);
• whining and an attempt to beg for some warmth in the event that the parents forgot that the child needs to be hugged and caressed, or do not consider it necessary to show “veal tenderness”;
• throwing fists, screaming, expressing strong emotions in the hope of getting at least some emotional response.

It is wrong to think that aggression is a way to draw attention to oneself, a whim of a child. Sometimes aggression is already a desperate cry for love, which children need more than adults. Cold formal relations between parents, when everything is done correctly, everyone is busy with housework and at the same time the principle of saving on everything, including emotions, dominates in the family, leads to the fact that the child does not receive the necessary reinforcement, his emotional “reservoir” is empty. The lack of love, acceptance, encouragement comes to the fore.

Not knowing how to get love (it is prescribed for girls to flatter and beg), boys are more likely to show aggression, primarily towards the closest people, from whom they are still waiting for an answer to the question: “Why does no one love me?”.

1. To teach a child up to 4 years old to cope with strong emotions, classical psychology imputes parents to show, using the example of dolls, animals, characters of fairy tales, cartoons, other people, how unpleasant the one who gets angry and fights looks. In fairy tales, evil and aggression are personified by the Wolf, Karabas-Barabas, Koschey ...
2. To teach a child to recognize emotions and manage them, we must name his states aloud and accept them: “I see you are angry!”, “Are you sad? I understand,” “I feel bad too.” The law here is simple: a positive emotion shared with others increases, and a negative one decreases.
3. If you yourself fell into a rage, scolded the child or someone else with him, show how annoyed you are, apologize. The sooner you announce your mistake, the better. Children quickly learn from their parents the rules of behavior in the family and society.
4. Children with increased level latent aggression are discharged through active physical games, exercises, actions. As soon as the child starts doing strength sports, or going to the pool, or playing football, he will become reserved and considerate of others. The main rule is really strong people: do not offend the weak, on the contrary, protect those who cannot stand up for themselves.
5. There are several ways to switch the attention of a child in a state of aggression:
   • a strong signal that will puzzle the baby - it can be an alarm clock, the sound of the radio turned on at full volume, a short cry; at the table, you can knock with a spoon on a cup or on a plate;
   • unexpected action - turn off the light; lift the baby high up for a short while, and then lower it down; exit the room by closing the door;
   • offer to call someone famous person, to whose name the child reacts unambiguously - with interest. Before the child realizes that this is a joke, he will calm down, and then laugh with you. Laughter will serve as a positive release of tension that the child could not cope with on his own.
   Knowledge of the physiology of excitation helps in education: in order to extinguish one focus of excitation, you need to create another.
6. Children with strong-willed behavior skills (after 7 years old) can learn special techniques for managing emotions - just like adults. In a state of excitement, an adult can pinch his hand, clench his fists or an expander, grab a chair, raise his hands and take a deep breath, clap his hands loudly several times. Think about what helps you cope with yourself and share it important secret with baby. Parents who confess small weaknesses become even closer to their children.
7. If in a state of aggression a child offended someone or broke a toy, then the consequences will have to be eliminated - to apologize, to repair. When the child calms down, it is worth returning to what happened. Why did he do this? What has been achieved? How do those around you feel? Do other children want to be friends with angry child? How can the situation be corrected? How can you prevent replay? The social and psychological consequences of bad deeds are always worse than the physical ones. People are more important and stronger than things. Relationships are harder to fix than broken toys.
8. How to punish outbursts of aggression? Isolation and a ban on active outdoor games will further anger children with a strong temperament. They do not like to obey, they can hold a grudge or anger. A more efficient way is extra work at home.

Children, like adults, do not really like to clean, wash dishes, take out the trash, do laundry, but they understand the need to do such work. The punishment is routine, but useful work be perceived as fair and reasonable.

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Comment on the article "The child has become aggressive. 6 reasons aggressive behavior in children"

Aggression of a child at 2 years old to animals. Good afternoon parents. I ask you for help in such a difficult topic for me as a child’s aggression towards animals and an older brother.

Discussion

All four of mine bit. Explained, scolded - useless. I started biting back. The first time is not strong, then stronger. Didn't get it - even stronger. Helped.
Punished for a cat, spanked. She explained - you did this (a), and she is small, she cannot answer you. And I can stand up for the cat.

He does not have a developed emotional sphere, maybe temporarily, such as a delay, or maybe a personality defect, he will always be a cynical person. But if the intellect is normal, it will probably gain a base through the intellect, it will be "like everyone else." It will fit into society, into the family, learn the framework. Not immediately, he does not feel, it is more difficult for him. He really doesn't understand. We were helped by a system of timeouts, calculated by seconds, how many and what kind of violation of the rules. We apply it with success, the rules are violated very rarely, but you won’t bring up feelings on this, nothing grows, only self-control grows. But first of all, we need order and peace in the house. The rest is as it will be. I mean, these are two different tasks - obedience and lack of vandalism, and personal development, overcoming developmental delays. Both tasks are important.

Daughter's aggression problem. My daughter is 9 years old, 3rd grade. She is very aggressive, she hits other children at school and in the yard just like that.

Discussion

Read below. Can you do without school? On homeschooling. Or maybe you have some small classes. Mine are studying - one has 9 people in the class, the other has 12 so far. Less stress on the child's psyche will be for sure. And in general less lessons exercise, health comes first. And strength to you and patience!

I sympathize... You should ask in conferences about adopted children and about other children. There will surely be some good advice there.

What to do about aggression in children. Aggression of teenagers on the Internet: trolling and cyberbullying. Victims and aggressors: security lessons on the Internet.

Discussion

all these tips from the field of poppsycho are certainly good. but first of all, the endocrinologist, if everything is ok according to the profile - just wait. Have you seen menopausal women? It's the same with teenagers.

It seems to me that he has nothing to do, so he washes. According to the description, I would give a maximum of 14 years.

Teachers complain about the aggressive behavior of the child. Aggression in children is often viewed by educators and doctors as a result of...

Discussion

Nothing can be done in such a situation, if the option of influencing the father through guardianship is not seriously considered. Limit your child's contact with this boy, that's the best you can.

There is not enough information for a clear, single answer. And describe everything possible options pointless - there are too many of them.
But, really, you should consult a specialist. This, by the way, does not have to be a "family" psychologist. Both child psychologists and clinical psychologists work with child aggression.
The psychologist will talk to the mother and examine the child. Perhaps this is a classic case in which a child's aggressive behavior is associated with an overly restrictive, cold, or ill-treatment significant adults for him, rejection by peers. And perhaps these are the consequences of damage to the central nervous system or trauma.
In any case, let mom not neglect the opportunity to consult with specialists.
By the way, this is advice to all parents: if something bothers you in the behavior of your child, contact a psychologist. Moreover, as a rule, the first consultation is free!

And aggression in the child and at home is manifested, on any prohibition, absolutely any. I hope that you understand that it is impossible to resolve everything.

Discussion

In my absence, the discussion developed. I will try again to emphasize some points that I think are misunderstood. That's really really autistic autistic strife. We are very lucky - we have a wonderful mixture - and hyperactivity, and lack of speech, and not an excellent understanding of it (abstract things are beyond our understanding), and neurological problems too. Conducting conversations about good behavior is fruitless, to my great regret. Standing in the corner is a continuation of the game for him.. We have been working with ABA therapists for almost 3 years, yes, they are not certified, but, in my opinion, there are none in Russia. We are trying to translate his aggression into something else. When he gets angry in class that something doesn’t work out for him, you can slip him a ball so that he crushes it. Sometimes it works. BUT the situation there is a little different, he actually does something with pleasure and critical moments do not occur very often. They tried to voice the emotion, maybe he repeats, in principle, repeats, like - I'm angry. Well, he says this phrase, but the word doesn’t mean anything to him: (It doesn’t convey his feeling. As an adult and a person who controls his behavior, I sometimes have a desire to slam the door or bang a plate on the floor if they don’t really understand me. Well, this is a child who cannot convey his feelings and sensations to us in a different way .... He wants to show that he is dissatisfied, but he has no other ways ... I didn’t seem to write anywhere that with tomorrow I'm putting him on neuroleptics and I don't plan to do anything else ... moreover, I'm NOT going to put him in the hospital. I have the experience of being in a hospital with a mentally healthy, but small child, for one day, while I was collecting tests - it was a depressing sight. I will not give this baby away, the cons for me outweigh all the pros. Me interests, suddenly someone had an experience of application of any medicines about which I yet do not know, buyout would smooth out a little "roughness of manifestation of feelings". After all, I still can’t change some situations ..

I have an autistic child, 6 years old, we also issue disability through the 6th hospital. I was there in July-August, in the 2nd department. Honestly, I didn't see anything terrible in the hospital. Very good educators, try to talk to children as best they can. Tima began to read poetry after the hospital - before that I had not heard from him, to repeat movements, and, most importantly: he really wants to go to the garden. Everyone asks when he's leaving. The previous attempt to go to the garden was very unsuccessful. In general, this department - I don’t know about others - looks like a very good kindergarten. I have never seen children treated like this.
As for the drug load - I did not notice the difference. Neither for worse nor for better side. The effect of the drugs is noticeable after a long time.
I do not regret that I put the child. He noticed the children there, now he is trying to "make contact".
More positive side, very important for us - he began to sleep there by the hour. It is so convenient when at 9 the child is already sleeping in bed, before he hung around the house until 12.
The only thing is that my child is quite calm, he rarely beats and not strongly, and aggressive ones who cannot with other children are put in the "observer", alone. It's probably not great.

Types of aggression in children. How to correct the behavior of an aggressive child. Almost 8 months ago I became the foster mother of a 6.5 year old girl.

Discussion

We have the same situation, my daughter is 4.5, the reason for the aggression, it seems to me, is that the daughter defends herself in such a way, i.e. she is lost in a new environment, or in a new situation, and begins to be rude. Such moments depress me myself, you just need to say such moments in advance, "then if you are shy, then it's better not to say anything, or just say hello and be silent." In general, a psychologist told us at the age of 3 that her first reaction to everything new is negative, and therefore it is necessary to pronounce all new situations and events. For example, it helped us when the daughter and mother went to a rest home, the daughter began to be shy from girls, all of her are bad and stupid, but by and large the daughter did not know how to communicate with them, and the grandmother had to say everything and explain what you can ask new girlfriend and how to communicate with her. But then when I arrived for the weekend, she proudly showed me her friends. Now she again went to the sanatorium with her grandmother and everything is new. In short, it is very difficult to raise such a child, and this Full time job. And the causes of aggression in the uncertainty of the child.
Р.S / I would not take my daughter away from the site, but would help to establish contact with the children.

IMHO, this is an attack on the principle - best defense. As soon as the girl gets into a situation that worries her, that she cannot control, aggression comes out. Leaving the site in this case, in my opinion, is not the best option because the situation does not become habitual and the reason for the manifestation of aggression does not disappear. I think it’s worth just translating it into socially acceptable norms, but in fact there’s nothing to worry about. It's just that she is still small and does not know how to react differently to an unusual situation.

about aggression in children, part 1. An article to help parents about child aggression and its methods Aggressive behavior is one of the most common violations among children ...

Discussion

And if peers for one reason or another do not recognize the child, and even worse - reject him, then aggressiveness, stimulated by resentment, infringed pride, will be directed at the offender, at the one or those whom the child considers the cause of his plight. This situation can be aggravated by labeling “bad, fighter, rude”, etc. by an adult.

Another reason for the appearance of aggressiveness in a preschooler may be a feeling of anxiety and fear of attack. It is stimulated by the fact that the child, most likely, was repeatedly subjected to physical punishment, humiliation, insults. In this case, first of all, it is necessary to talk with the parents, explain to them the possible causes and consequences of such behavior. In extreme cases, taking care of the well-being of the child, you can, together with the administration of the preschool educational institution, apply to the child protection authorities with a complaint about the actions of the parents.

Sometimes aggressiveness is a way to attract the attention of others, the reason for it is an unsatisfied need for communication and love.

Aggression can also act as a form of protest against the restriction of some natural desires and the needs of the child, such as the need to move, to vigorous activity. Teachers who do not want to take into account the child's natural need for movement do not know that preschool children cannot do one thing for a long time, that activity is physiologically inherent in them. They try artificially and completely unnaturally to extinguish the activity of children, to force them to sit and stand against their will. Such actions of an adult are like twisting a spring; the more you press on it, the greater the speed of its return to its previous state. They often cause, if not direct, then indirect aggression: damage and tearing of books, breakage of toys, i.e., the child in his own way “acts out” on harmless objects for the shortsightedness and illiteracy of an adult.

Thus, the first step of a psychologist in working with an aggressive child should be to find out possible causes his behaviour. An attempt should be made to collect as much information as possible about the child's behavior in preschool group, at home, in public places.

Corrective work with a child should be carried out in parallel with work with adults, those around him, parents and teachers. Depending on the identified reasons, in working with adults it is necessary to make several accents:

Changing a negative attitude towards a child to a positive one;

Changing the style of interaction with children;

Expansion of the behavioral repertoire of parents and teachers through the development of their communication skills.

Regardless! From the cause of the aggressive behavior of the child, there is a general strategy of others in relation to him.

1. If possible, restrain the aggressive impulses of the child immediately before their manifestation, stop the hand raised to strike, shout the child.

2. Show the child the unacceptability of aggressive behavior, physical or verbal aggression towards inanimate objects, and even more so people. Condemnation of such behavior, demonstration of its disadvantageousness to the child, in some cases, act quite effectively.
3. Establish a clear ban on aggressive behavior, systematically remind about it.

4. Provide children with alternative ways of interaction based on the development of empathy and empathy in them.

5. Teach counseling ways to express anger as a natural human emotion.

The tasks of psycho-correctional work with aggressive children can be:

a) the development of the ability to understand the state of another person;

b) development of the ability to express their emotions in a socially acceptable form;

c) learning autorelaxation;

d) learning how to relieve stress;

e) development of communication skills;

f) formation of positive self-perception on the basis of personal achievements.

It is important for children to give vent to their aggressiveness. You can offer them:

Fight with a pillow;

Use physical strength exercises;

tear paper;

Draw someone you want to beat and do something with this drawing;

Use "Scream Pouch";

Beat the table with an inflatable hammer, etc.
Ovcharova R.V. proposes to use in order to correct the aggressive behavior of children:

Psychogymnastics classes;

Etudes and games to develop the skill of regulating behavior in a team;

Etudes and games of relaxation orientation;

Games and exercises to develop awareness in children negative traits character;

Games and exercises for the development of a positive behavior model.

In work with preschool children, and especially with aggressive children, the use of isotherapy elements shows high efficiency. Children like to play with water and clay. They must be used with various ways drawing: fingers, palms, feet.

(Ovcharova R.V. Reference book of a school psychologist. M., 1990.)

12/15/2005 05:43:27 PM, Ilaria

Child aggression. The child fights, beats the mother. The child became aggressive. 6 causes of aggressive behavior in children.

Discussion

Didn't it occur to you that Eastern cultures to aggression a little different attitude? I live in Japan and often notice that aggressive behavior is not considered a great vice here, especially in relation to a lower standing individual. But in relation to the higher - no! Wives and children here are often offended by a man and bear it with slavish obedience. Maybe this girl plays family patterns on your daughter, and the mother persuades her to be "kind and condescending to her subordinate foreign girl". If this is your case - put yourself higher, take the initiative, do not demolish and do not expect indulgence. Strength is what is respected.

In many cases, the source of aggression is the emotional instability of the child, coming from the inability to cope with dissatisfaction not only with others, but also with dissatisfaction with oneself.

The child grows and his new needs, as a person, declare themselves. The needs and sensations of the Child are new, and the attitude towards him on the part of adults is "old", as it was two years ago, a year ago. In this case, as a result - protest behavior.

I see a way out - in a calm discussion with him of the most worthy ways of resolving conflicts; learn TOGETHER with your child to recognize their emotions and express them most in soft ways; once again review the established rules and boundaries regarding behavior.

Tell me, what was the continuation of the episode with toys thrown into the street? What was your reaction, the reaction of the grandmother, the actions and response of the son? Did he give any explanation for his actions?
And what happened to his toys that ended up under the window?

We had a sharp attack of aggression, but definitely in connection with kindergarten ... I heard somewhere that by the age of five they want to try boundaries again, like at 2 years old. Maybe this is it?

An angry boss, an unfair mother-in-law, grouchy officials, defeatist moods around us... We encounter difficult people every day. How to communicate with them correctly?

In his book How to Deal with Difficult People, Alain Ouelle explains how we can improve our day-to-day relationships. We offer you an excerpt from this book, recommendations and practical exercises that will teach you how to communicate correctly and get along better with the people around you - clients, colleagues and relatives - in a word,

AS YOU PROBABLY HAVE ALREADY NOTICED, there are three categories difficult people:

• aggressive, domineering, hostile, they can also be called rude or impudent. These know-it-alls will not hesitate to stab you in the back;
• negativists, whiners whose purpose on Earth is to throw a bucket of cold water on your enthusiasm;
• "oysters", invertebrates that never show their thoughts to the end and answer your persistent questions with inarticulate sounds or, at best, with the words "yes" and "no".

Humor and peace of mind

The first condition for countering difficult people is not to succumb to their provocations, putting internal protection and developed my sense of humour. Yes, yes, it is possible even in dealing with difficult people!

But first, a little self-examination. For some of us, difficult people don't exist. They are able to remain calm, soften the most ferocious "dragons" and achieve what they need while maintaining respect for other people. What is their secret? They cannot be suspected of being complex people themselves.

In life, those around us play the role of a mirror that reflects what we are at the present time, what we were and what we fear to become. Often you can meet difficult people because you are a difficult person yourself and because you unconsciously reject your complex personality. Ask yourself sincerely if you yourself are in something difficult person.

Ways out

• Learn to accept yourself for who you are, without trying to fill your worth all the time. This is not necessary to be confident in oneself, and in others such behavior causes irritation and rejection.

• If someone's behavior shocks you, ignore it, especially if it doesn't directly affect you. “Showing that you are offended, you take the position of a victim,” explains Alain Ouelle, “and automatically become humiliated. This will prevent you from gaining the upper hand in a clash with a difficult person. Learn to say in the depths of your soul, “So what?”.

• Try to improve your appearance. You will leave the impression of being less malleable if you keep an eye on your appearance. Do not forget: in order to create an impression, you have only one, the first time, and this first impression "freezes" in the eyes of your interlocutor. It is this impression that often underlies persecution or the end of a relationship.

• Learn to say “no” without fear of rejection, tactfully and firmly. You will find that difficult people will respect you more if you avoid lying often.

Resist aggressive people

These are real road rollers, in moving towards victory, they rely on the reactions that their behavior causes in the interlocutors. Fright, embarrassment, hesitation, trembling - in any case, these are emotions that take away the ability to put the rude person in his place, “Never forget that these people can hardly endure their own aggressiveness, and that with frequent bouts of anger, they rarely have moments of simple and shared pleasure with someone, ”says Alain Uel.

How to behave when meeting with aggressive person?

1. Don't give in an inch to him: he knows exactly what effect his behavior has on people. He wins by instilling fear in them. Respond calmly to aggression, and the attack will be thwarted. Do not be indignant and, moreover, do not make excuses. Move the discussion to a more specific plan, down to earth and logical. "When did you make this purchase, when did you discover the marriage?"

2. Let your aggressive interlocutor calm down and force him to justify his behavior. For example, to an extremely unpleasant client, say, “I would like you to explain why you find our services so appalling. I am very interested in your point of view as a client. Let me bring you some coffee so you can explain it in detail."

3. Look for ways to discharge. An aggressive person likes to be in opposition. By refusing to play his game and agreeing with his position, you will lead him into confusion. "If you want, I will call the director, and you will tell him your point of view." You did not let yourself be embarrassed, and the director will be as adamant as you. An aggressive client whom you have shaken by your calmness will not disturb your superiors for fear of losing face, and will reconsider her position.

How to respond to "surgeons"?

These hypocrites don't attack openly, they operate on the sly. They strike an insidious blow secretly, with a smile of compassion for your plight. When faced with their vile insinuations, one should counterattack.

Pin the interlocutor to the wall: “What exactly do you want to say? It's interesting as a point of view. Could you elaborate on your thought?" Then, after you stop the enemy who thinks he has found a sensitive victim, shoot the last arrow. “It’s strange for me to see you among (hereinafter optional) deceived, misogynists, men of a certain age, no longer confident in themselves and trying to test their abilities.” Be careful, make sure that you are dealing with a manifestation of aggression:

• How do others react to this person's behavior?
• Is this behavior justified under the circumstances? Indeed, is it natural to react to the impoliteness of a plumber or the arrogance of a salesman?
• Is this person trying to get rid of the feeling of dissatisfaction by resorting to a saving, but temporary effect method.

Opposition to the negativists

They are not aggressive, but their lamentations, their constant sense of injustice, make them unbearable. If you rejoice good expression on their face, they immediately clarify that they can hardly move from fatigue. If you take part in a project, they immediately exclaim that it will never succeed. Most importantly, do not look for a solution to what they perceive as a problem, and you will take away their support, the meaning of existence. Negativists need to feel like victims.

How to win when meeting with a negativist?

1. Match their complaints with their intentions. Negativists often tend to wallow in self-hypnotizing reasoning that is directed more at themselves than at you.

2. But to identify is not to justify, so avoid phrases like "I totally agree, you're right." Avoid also the triangle executioner - victim - savior. The victim can force you to act as an executioner (first of all, do not make excuses, as this would be tantamount to an admission of guilt) or as a savior if you look too sympathetic (“I understand you!”), And you will have to resolve the issue with a third party, which in turn will treat you as a victim or executioner.

3. Suggest others specific options help the person expand their view of things. “Look, you have several options: A, B and C. You can write down the disadvantages of each option on a piece of paper.”

4. You can also help the person realize their responsibility in a new way, but the result will be less predictable. The most unbearable thing for a person is the feeling of his own impotence. However, many condemn themselves to powerlessness, obeying the instructions received in childhood: “Be polite, be helpful, be hardworking, be strong, the boy should not cry, etc.”

When a negativist begins with "should" or "I must," you can try to get him to view his place in the world differently by making him feel responsible for his actions and aware of the results that these actions lead to. He works, he earns a living, he is able to pay the rent and support his family. He is the master of his fate, heart or professional affairs, whether they go well or badly.

And the last clarification. It is pointless to show tact in dealing with whiners. They need a little shake.

How to resist oysters?

These are the most annoying of complex people. They should not be confused with laconic people who never state what they think are unnecessary details and do not have incoherent conversations, but give accurate answers to your questions. Click - and the oyster slams the doors at the very moment when you need an explanation, or when you want to enter into a conversation. To turn the interlocutor into a stubborn oyster, it is enough that she simply does not like your physiognomy, or that she perceives you as a more successful or unsuccessful person than she is. Feelings that you have nothing in common, that you have nothing common interests, is also enough to close the sashes. This behavior causes fear, and you ask yourself: “What did I do to her?”.

Since this person has a poor and caricature impression of you, he will remain closed to communication with you. Remain calm and, if possible, in a good disposition. Give him the opportunity to get to know you better, and soon he will no longer be able to treat you in the same limited way.

Do not forget that you can close yourself like an oyster in order to hide something. By expressing yourself through onomatopoeia, you can avoid lying. You can also avoid expressing your opinion about any decision or avoid betrayal. "Who broke the photocopier again?" “Mmmm,” the secretary replies.

How to communicate with "oysters"

1. Ask the right questions. First of all - not the so-called hard questions, which can only be answered with "yes" and "no". Ask open-ended questions that will help you understand the problem of your interlocutor, and the solution that she is attracted to. Question to the client: “What qualities do you expect from a good cosmetic product?”. Question to a future employee: “What qualities do you expect from a secretary?”. Question to a housewife: "What are your priorities in keeping a house?".

Accompany your request with a heartfelt and sincerely inquiring look and do not let yourself be embarrassed by silence. The oyster needs time, and she knows from experience that she can unbalance the interlocutor by remaining silent.

“This is one of the major barriers to communication between Europeans and Asians,” explains Alain Ouelle. “These latter can remain silent for ten minutes with a slight and completely impenetrable smile, while after ten seconds of silence we are stubbornly looking for something to fill the emptiness that seems unbearable to us.”

Repeat your question every twenty seconds with the same courtesy, and the most stubborn oysters will eventually answer you, realizing that you will not leave them alone.

2. A person is afraid to compromise himself, to express his opinion. This is a reflex. To remove this blocker that prevents you from starting a conversation, try using the "suppose that ..." technique. “Suppose that you make the decision to reorganize the institute. What would you do in this case?" Answer: “If it were me who decided, but you, of course, understand that it’s not me who decides, then I would start with ...”.

3. Don't forget, finally, that oysters are usually very sensitive individuals who protect themselves by hiding in their shell. Show the appropriate interest and they can't go wrong. The phone often scares shy oysters. To avoid silence on the other end of the line, pose your open-ended questions in an even warmer and more expressive voice. Add: “I really would like to know your opinion on this matter, I attach great importance your comments." Be sure to leave time for a response. Don't hang up when you haven't achieved anything, arrange a new phone call to give yourself some time to think.

Dare to say "no"

Perhaps you strive to give the impression of perfection and are afraid to show that you are not as generous, patient or helpful as you allow to think. It is time to recognize that small flaws and weaknesses make us vulnerable, and therefore human, and bring us closer to those around us. This allows them, in turn, to drop their masks and show themselves in their true light.

We are not obligated to satisfy everything that others expect of us. We have our expectations, others have theirs. It is natural to talk about them so that everyone knows what to limit themselves to. The obligation to satisfy everyone against our will will turn into harmful anger and deceptions that cost us headaches, flu and more serious illnesses. After all, anger causes a loss of energy, leading to a weakening of our immune system.

Think well. How many bouts of inexplicable fatigue, illness, or kidney colic were the result of decisions you made despite yourself? It's time to realize that bitterness hurts only you. “The one to whom you wish harm,” emphasizes Alain Ouelle, “perhaps does not even suspect it.”

A. Uel tells how one day he decided to refuse his friend who asked for money. Having promised to lend him the necessary amount, he realized that it would be difficult to get this money back. Following the golden rule "Don't let more than six hours go by..." he called his friend and explained to him the alarm caused by his decision. He told him about his fears, and since he did not want their friendship to be upset because of this, he explained that he would not give money. "We stayed best friends, emphasizes Alain Ouelle. “He appreciated the sincerity of our communication, which I proved to him again.”

Get rid of bitterness

What if it is impossible to change someone's behavior, the behavior of a mother, mother-in-law, client or employee, and if this behavior is a source of anxiety and tension in the relationship? If your boss is a tyrant, nitpick, and petty tyrant, you may be able to draw his attention to the consequences that his position will have on the motivation of the team. Man of sense appreciates being informed and begins to relate better to others. But if you cannot act in this way, or if this person believes that the collective itself should adapt to him, and not vice versa, you can influence the impression that is left in you and which frightens you. After all, who said that the boss should be sympathetic, generous and fair? Have you already had such a boss? And do you yourself have these virtues 100%, as you require it from him? By accepting your boss for who he is, you will transform your bitterness into simple annoyance, which can serve as an excuse for you to apply your humor. Why not accept your mother for who she is, a woman who suffered in childhood, maybe because they were waiting for the birth of a boy or because they loved her brother more ... Pay attention to her relationship with her parents, note that you are not a source of problems in your relationship with your mother, but do not try to change it, but change only your own idea.

Bitterness is often the cause of failure. Unconsciously, in order to avenge ourselves on someone who offended us, we multiply mistakes, show forgetfulness, do not convey what we should have, do not take any steps, do not pay visits. If we want to avoid a verbal battle in which everyone, contributing to the brewing of a more serious incident, tries to get the bills paid, it would be a good idea to answer the following questions:

• What caused my bitterness towards this person?
• Which of my expectations were not met?
• What can I do myself - change my behavior or my appearance, change his behavior or the impression that I have about him?
• Should I not clean up some matters, correspondence, delayed work, etc.? and apologize for broken promises.

Why are you angry?

Swipe discreetly own investigation or think if we are talking about one of your loved ones, whether the person with whom you are having problems is cheating, jealous, misogynistic, or maybe just worried. What is the reason? Has he always behaved this way? What events caused the change? In this way, you will find out the reasons that motivate anger towards you. We can much more successfully change the impression of someone, achieve a real conversation and explain that this cannot continue if we understand what motivates the interlocutor's position.

humor helps

Humor helps to avoid a win-loser relationship. Humor allows you to perceive things from a distance that removes seriousness. When you lose something that you consider valuable, it is such a tragedy! But if you manage to laugh, then the loss turns into a comedy, a farce. You are moving away from reality, moving away to a saving distance.

Humor is perfect for:

• say something without offending another;
• reformulate a problem that cannot be solved;
• make people who were previously deaf hear you;
• to encourage someone, regardless of age and environment;
• start over negotiations that have reached an impasse.

Laughter is contagious. Think of people who set off all their phrases with laughter. How expressive they are. When I was a child, my mother had an irresistible weapon to get out of the most stressful situations. She began to laugh. Like on the stage of a theatre, she demonstrated one after another all kinds of laughter that she possessed, from the coarsest to the most tender, accompanying them with the appropriate grimaces. Very soon we ourselves succumbed to fits of laughter, and in this agreement life continued again.

Make an effort, find your own gesture, connect with fun people, read funny books, watch comedies and find a reason to laugh every day. Practice your antics and laughter, and - seriously - you will become a cheerful person!

If aggressive behavior is manifested in approximately the same way in all children, then the causes of aggressiveness can vary significantly. It is conventionally accepted to divide the causes of aggressiveness into biological (those that are due to hereditary factors) and social (related to the style of upbringing and communication in the family, in kindergarten and school, etc.).

Biological prerequisites for aggressiveness

Is it possible to explain the aggressiveness of a child only by genetically programmed qualities? There are various scientific theories abroad, in which the innate qualities of a person are called the main and only cause of aggression. In one theory, scientists argue that genes are to blame. A person allegedly behaves aggressively with those people with whom he is not related, and, on the contrary, promotes those with whom he has similar genes. Other famous theory- the theory of drives - belongs to 3. Freud. In it, he writes about the innate preconditions for aggression. According to the theory of drives, a person has two opposite instincts: the “life instinct” (creative, associated with love and care, it is provided by libido) and the “death instinct” (destructive, destructive, expressed in anger and hatred, in passion for destruction). From what instinct prevails in a person, his behavior depends. Moreover, psychoanalysts believed that aggression is difficult to manage, it cannot be overcome, but can only be temporarily restrained and sublimated (translated into creative activity, For example). The well-known Austrian ethologist K. Lorenz (ethology is the science of animal and human behavior) believes that aggression is the basis of dominance and determines the hierarchy of relationships that is built in the struggle for power. It is a natural instinct that serves to preserve life and the species.

In domestic psychology, the theory of B. Teplov about the types of temperament is known. The type of temperament (choleric, sanguine, melancholic or phlegmatic) directly determines what character traits the child will have. And, despite the fact that there are no “pure” types of temperament, there is always a leading, basic type that determines the nature of emotional response and behavior.

Phlegmatic children least likely to be aggressive. They are emotionally balanced, calm, practically nothing and no one can piss them off. Such children are slow, they think everything over for a long time, and only then they begin to act, behave judiciously. The only thing that makes them stressful condition, this is a shortage of time, as well as changes in their familiar environment.

Phlegmatic people are very rigid (conservative, prefer the same ways of thinking and behaving). In extremely rare cases, phlegmatic can be driven to rage. If you regularly demand the impossible from him (“Get dressed faster!”, “Eat soon, we are late!”, “Well, why are you such a mess!”), Then even a peaceful phlegmatic person can “boil”.

melancholic children are also considered non-aggressive. They are very emotionally sensitive, any little thing can upset them or scare them. Such children do not tolerate any innovations, a sudden change of scenery, noisy games and competitions with other children. All this causes them an acute stress state. In stress, the melancholic becomes isolated, withdraws into himself and practically becomes incapable of any productive activity. Inclined to blame himself for everything, it is the melancholic who is prone to bouts of auto-aggression (aggression directed at himself). A typical monologue of a melancholic first grader: “I’m the only one to blame for everything, everyone wrote down homework, but I forgot, let me put a deuce! Or get kicked out of the class forever! Because I'm the worst!" It all ends in tears. suicide attempts in adolescence characteristic of melancholics.

Sanguine children cheerful, optimistic, easily make new acquaintances, sociable, are initiators various games. Sanguine people love a change of activity, they quickly get carried away and can just as quickly quit a boring activity. IN stressful situation behave actively, boldly defending their own or others' interests. Emotionally sanguine people are balanced, and therefore they rarely openly show aggression, trying to solve everything peacefully through compromise. Only when it is not possible to calmly resolve a difficult situation, a sanguine person can show aggression.

Choleric children are the most active, emotionally unbalanced, and therefore, naturally, more prone to aggression than others. By nature, they are irritable, quick-tempered, impatient, subject to frequent mood swings, it is difficult for them to do one thing for a long time, they quickly get tired. Poorly endure the waiting situation.

Cholerics quickly navigate in a new environment, instantly make decisions. However, as a rule, they act first and think later. This gives rise to many conflict situations that choleric people try to resolve with the help of a scream or a fight. Aggressive behavior in choleric people is due to their high emotional instability.

The girl, who dreamed of professionally practicing ballet, received a serious knee injury before entering the Vaganov School. The verdict of the doctors was a shock for the girl: she can never again do what she loves.

Arriving home, in a rage, she tore all her ballet costumes, threw away her pointe shoes, scattered all her things around the room and flatly refused to go to school.

In the heat of passion, choleric teens can commit suicide or delinquency.

Social prerequisites for aggressiveness

Aggressive parental behavior. We rarely realize that we are trying to raise our children the way we ourselves were raised in childhood. Therefore, if the father (or mother) of a child was beaten in childhood, then, naturally, he will consider physical punishment necessary.

One man said with a laugh that at school the teacher beat them on the hands with a ruler. Didn't learn the lesson - by the hair and head on the board! He still believes that this is the right thing to do and supports the desire of some countries to return to physical punishment in schools. He often beats his son. The boy became angry not only at his father, but at the whole world.

Consider another situation where parents have accumulated a lot of unresolved issues, life did not work out as they wanted, and they splash out all the irritation and negativism on the child. The child then gets it every day, any little thing infuriates such a parent.

One mother, after the birth of her second child, was forced to leave her beloved highly paid job and sit at home with two small children. The eldest child was very mobile, inquisitive, did not sit still for a minute. One day, going out for a walk in a new expensive suit, he slipped and fell into a puddle, hitting his knee painfully. The clothes were all dirty. Mom immediately cursed, yelled at her son, and when he started crying, she hit him hard in the face, breaking his lip. This woman has higher education And loving husband. I knew this boy from birth and saw that the older he gets, the more aggressiveness is manifested in his behavior, both towards people and towards animals.

Parents who humiliate their children by publicly insulting them form a child's low self-esteem, self-doubt and self-confidence. Remember: later on, the child will compensate for this with his aggressiveness.

Rough words, harsh tone, irritability and assault on his child embitter him. The child learns this model of parental behavior as the only possible and correct one.

Authoritarian parenting style. Some parents believe that the child is a helpless creature, and therefore it must be controlled and directed all the time. The child is driven into the framework of strict rules and norms, not allowing a single independent step. All this is done for the good of the child, as parents think. In reality, the child is deprived of the opportunity to be himself, to take the initiative. Some children react passively to such dictatorship, such children are usually shy, timid, insecure, choosing as friends (then - a marriage partner) strong personalities. Another part of the children reacts actively, accumulating displeasure and anger, splashing it out in the form of outbreaks of aggression and protest behavior. It is these children who can subsequently commit offenses, run away from home in spite of their parents, who oppressed and suppressed them.

Family conflicts. In every family, even the happiest and most harmonious, sometimes there are conflict situations. In such cases, how they are resolved and what role the baby plays in this is very important. Unfortunately, often the reason family quarrels one way or another, the child appears (adults hold different views on education, or the baby serves as an instrument for one of the parents to achieve their goals). In a family where conflicts between parents occur regularly, children do not feel safe and are constantly in suspense. They become nervous, fearful or aggressive, irritable. The most powerful shock for the psyche of the child is the divorce of the parents. The world familiar to him is collapsing, he loses a sense of security and trust in loved ones.

Serezha's parents divorced a little More than a month back. Previously, he was a calm, reasonable child who actively communicated with the children in kindergarten. After the divorce, caregivers began to constantly complain about sudden outbursts of aggression towards other children. The boy often shows irritability and stubbornness, refuses to participate in games.

Divorce. This is very stressful for a child. Parents should help the child adapt to the changes that have taken place, by demonstrating to the child that, despite the current situation in their family, he remains loved and significant in the life of each of them. It is sad that most parents are not able to cope with their emotional experiences. Being in nervous tension, they solve only their own problems and cannot pay attention to their son or daughter. Continuing to sort things out in the presence of the baby and blaming each other for the current situation, parents often try to attract the child to their side, and he, trying to draw attention to himself, often behaves defiantly and aggressively. It happens that parents throw out their irritation on the baby, pointing out those negative traits of character or appearance that the culprit of the break in relations has: “You are as sloppy as your father!”, “You are as stupid as your mother!” etc. At the same time, children in most cases tend to blame themselves for what is happening. “My parents separated because I misbehaved,” the kid suggests. In this case, the child may experience outbreaks of auto-aggression. Parents should explain to the baby the main thing: despite the fact that dad and mom will live separately, they love him and will communicate with him in the same way as before. It should be borne in mind that the reactions of girls and boys to the divorce of their parents sometimes differ: girls are more likely to have internal experiences, fears, irritability and increased anxiety, boys become aggressive and conflict.

unwanted child. Unfortunately, if the parents (especially the mother) were internally against the birth of a child, then in the future the child will always have emotional problems. Feeling unwanted, the child will try with all his might to prove that he is good, that he can do a lot. Usually such children, feeling that attempts to win parental love are futile, become nervous, embittered and easily commit aggressive acts.

Lack of attention from parents. Modern, always busy parents who pay too little attention to an active, restless baby also run the risk of facing the problem of child aggressiveness quite early. Not wanting to go unnoticed and abandoned, the child accessible ways attracts the attention it lacks.

Loaded with work and their problems, parents usually react to the child only when he "did something." The child argues like this: “It is better for them to scold me than not to pay attention at all,” and behaves aggressively, protesting against the indifference of their parents.

By the way, aggressiveness in children can also manifest itself in the reverse situation, that is, with an excess of attention. If parents inspire the child that he is the “center of the universe”, anticipate any of his desires, indulge and indulge beyond measure, then the child, deprived of this at one fine moment, gives out an outbreak of aggression. These children have the hardest time in children's team. Not getting what they want, children can fall to the floor and start screaming heart-rendingly, waving their arms and legs. This situation is perfectly described by A. Kuprin in the story “White Poodle”: “A boy of eight or ten years old jumped out onto the terrace from the inner rooms like a bomb, uttering piercing cries.<...>without stopping his squealing for a second, he fell on his stomach on the stone floor with a run, quickly rolled onto his back and, with great ferocity, began to jerk his arms and legs in all directions.<...>Despite his extreme excitement, he still strove to get his heels into the stomachs and legs of the people fussing around him ... ".

Restrictions and prohibitions. If at home or in kindergarten a child is constantly restricted in movement or in self-expression, then by the end of the day uncontrollable aggressive behavior will be quite natural. If a child is forbidden to run, jump and make noise at home, he will do it in kindergarten, and vice versa. That is why he will be an "angel" in one place, and "God's punishment" for adults in another. Energy must find a way out. It is unnatural and extremely harmful to the health of the child to block it. “Sit quietly, don’t interfere, read, draw, calm down, finally!” An active, mobile child simply does not hear all these shouts. If you haven't given your child the opportunity to release stress naturally, they will be nervous, irritable, and aggressive.

We have examined in such detail the causes of a child's aggressiveness related to the family only because in early and preschool childhood it is the family that determines what the child's character and behavior will be like. At the same time, it cannot be denied that children's aggressiveness also depends on other causes. The formation of aggressiveness is influenced by the behavior of peers and teachers in kindergarten (school), means mass media(V modern society the impact of the media on the child's psyche is very high), computer addiction, background noise (it has been proven that people living near busy roads, airports, etc. have a significantly higher level of aggressiveness than residents of quiet areas), fatigue (especially chronic), lack of personal space (for example, when several generations live in a small apartment at once, and the child does not have the opportunity to retire), and many others. others

Computer games. I would like to pay special attention to the most urgent problem today - "The child and the computer." This topic does not leave the pages of newspapers and magazines, they talk about it on radio and television. No one doubts that the computer is not only a useful developmental thing, but also a system that, if used incorrectly, causes irreparable harm to health. Computer addiction has long been included in the ICD-10 (International Classification of Diseases) as one of the diseases.

The son of my acquaintances from the age of 7-8 began to sit at the computer for a long time, over time he began to understand it well. Once he read a lot, talked with friends, but gradually the computer replaced everyone and everything. Now that he is 13 years old, he is ready to spend at the computer 24 hours a day. Naturally, parents try to regulate this process. However, if parents forbid sitting at the computer for more than an hour, the teenager experiences outbursts of rage and anger, he can start destroying everything in the apartment and doing everything in defiance.

This is a problem faced by at least every second parent. But the sprouts of this problem begin to ripen already in preschool age. Parents often ask whether it is necessary to buy a computer for a five-six-year-old child, how much time a day can a preschool child spend on it, and what can a child do at a computer? These are not idle questions. Unfortunately, the answers to them can change little in a modern life full of various electronic technology. It is convenient for a parent who is tired after work (who will argue with that!), When their child watches cartoons on a computer for 1-3 hours or more. This gives parents freedom and peace after a busy day at work. It is curious that even parents of one and a half year old children use such a “happy” opportunity to take a child!

It is believed that it is too early to buy a computer for a preschooler: he has a high need for movement, in communicating with peers, do not deprive him of these values. A preschooler can spend at the computer no more than 30 minutes a day. And than younger child, the less time he has to sit in front of the screen.

I can not understand why the authors seek to endow negative character fangs, sharp teeth, horns and other attributes of aggression? Why does the outside take precedence over the inside? For example, in the old Soviet cartoon " gray neck" There is villain- Fox. There are other accents in this image: the children are afraid of her not for her threatening appearance, but for cunning and deceit, intonations of her voice and bad intentions. "Masha and the Bear" is a witty, funny modern cartoon that is interesting to watch for both adults and children. By the way, it perfectly reflects the psychology of the child.

Don't neglect the classics. Watch with your child kind, beautiful, bright cartoons that teach goodness: “Heron and Crane” by Y. Norshtein, “ The Snow Queen”,“ Cinderella ”,“ Thumbelina ”,“ 38 parrots ”,“ Ushastik and his friends ”,“ Crocodile Gena and Cheburashka ”,“ The Adventures of Brownie Kuzi ”,“ Shake! Hello!", " The Bremen Town Musicians"and many others. others

Parents themselves are tired of aggressive, meaningless television for children. With the advent of the Internet, they have a wonderful opportunity to choose what their children will watch and listen to.

Do not chase fashion, do not be afraid to be behind the times, because the main thing that your child should see from computer and TV screens is kindness and beauty.

Foreign scientists have calculated that, on average, physical or verbal aggression occurs on television screens every 4 minutes. Russian scientists have also found that children who watch TV for more than 3 hours a day are more aggressive and more vulnerable to aggression from others than those who spend less than 2 hours watching TV. You decide and choose how better for a child carry out their free time, but you should not forget about the connection between your child's aggressiveness and the content of media products.

Age crises

Outbursts of aggressiveness are closely related to age-related crises that a child goes through. If an adult has age-related crises every 8-10 years, then a child experiences them more often. The peak of aggressive behavior can be observed at 3-4 years and at 6-7 years. These are natural and passing moments. How do crises unfold and how to respond to them?

Crisis 3 years

I have a mother of three-year-old Lisa at the reception. She is at a loss, her husband is indignant: the child seems to have been replaced. “About her,” says my mother, “she immediately throws herself on the floor and screams, says “I don’t want” and “I won’t” to everything.

Mom doesn't know it's okay. Whims and outbreaks of aggression at 3 years old is an indicator that the child is growing, developing and making attempts to assert itself. And he should not be punished for this, he should be helped.

Especially often the aggression of a three-year-old child is manifested in connection with the dissatisfaction of immediate desires. The more difficulties encountered in their implementation, the stronger the emotional outburst of the child, especially if he wanted to do something on his own. At this moment, the baby especially needs the emotional support of an adult. The child needs to be allowed to express his negative emotions: this is an important part of his development and growing up. You should not try to immediately extinguish negative experiences, and even more so emotionally react to the affective outbursts of the baby, which happened out of place and out of time.

The crisis of 3 years has very conditional age restrictions. It can begin at 2-2.5 years and proceed rapidly and rapidly, or it can go unnoticed by parents even at 3 years. The form, duration and severity of manifestation will depend on individual characteristics the baby, the style of upbringing, the composition of the family, etc. It is well known that the tougher the parents behave, the more acute the crisis phenomena are. The beginning of attending a kindergarten also has an unfavorable effect on the passage of the crisis. It is believed that it is better to give the child to preschool up to 2 years, or about 4 years.

The crisis of 3 years begins with the growth of the child's independence (“I can already do a lot on my own”), when he tries to assert his “I” and establish new relationships with an adult. As a rule, adults do not have time to quickly reorganize and continue to communicate with the child as with a helpless little creature, limiting his independent attempts to achieve any goal. It is at this time that all the crisis phenomena inherent in given age. It must be remembered that the more trusting and calmer the relationship of the child with the mother, the milder this crisis will be. Screaming, irritability, authoritarian parents will exacerbate the aggressive behavior of the child. Do not forget to praise the child even for small, but independent attempts to achieve results in any business - this is the key to the child's high self-esteem in the future. The child must necessarily have a feeling and experience of success, then the crisis will pass unnoticed and the child's behavior will even out.

In the unfavorable course of the crisis, associated, for example, with the wrong behavior of parents, the child may have undesirable character traits and aggressiveness, which will lead to a complication of relations with the child.

The crisis of 7 years is difficult period in the life of a child, when all his stereotypes change, all his ideas about the world that were formed earlier. The child, who previously behaved naively and directly, begins to comprehend his actions, to think them over in advance, the usual impulsiveness is replaced by internal concentration and the desire for even greater independence. Playing activities in kindergarten are replaced by educational ones at school, there are more rigid frameworks and rules that regulate all the activities of the child. All these transformations cannot but affect the behavior of the child. Therefore, he can often show aggressiveness in response to misunderstanding on the part of adults, failure in any activity, etc.

What to do?

Try to support and praise the child more for real successes and achievements, emphasizing that he can do a lot on his own.

Eliminate the commanding tone, be friendly.

It is necessary to jointly discuss the causes and consequences of certain actions, mistakes and ways to correct them.

Show sincere interest in the inner experiences and doubts of the child, do not ridicule his fears.

Spend more time doing art, reading, etc.

Do not focus on negative manifestations - and the child will not be interested in demonstrating them.

Most importantly, try to be more attentive to your child, show more love, warmth, affection, tell him more often that you love him and miss him when you are not together.

Based on the materials of the book by E. I. Shapiro

Hello dear friends!

Each of us faces in life sometimes not the most pleasant moments. The manifestation of human aggression sometimes reaches its climax and simply takes you by surprise.

Meeting face to face with a screaming individual that is trying to throw the contents of its head into your fresh ears, you can ask yourself: “What is going on with you ?!”. How to deal with an aggressive person? What should be avoided and what should be emphasized?

The level of general heat of passions forces people to get rid of negative energy or overvoltage, in a rather selfish way. Everyone is massively preoccupied with problems, not successful things at work, disasters in their personal lives and prices in stores.

Dissatisfaction, as if, envelops people from the inside and they carry it with them for a long time, confidently and without disentangling. But the next or provocative situation removes the protective barrier somewhere in the depths of the brain and the person turns into an ill-mannered animal.

It waters everything and everyone with tons of formidable and far from friendly statements in order to feel lighter. Sometimes it can be associated with a short temper, lack of tact, and a sense of relevance.

It also happens that too long stay with a state of neurosis or other illness, provokes the two-legged to resort to base ways of asserting himself and alleviating his "emotional torment". How to properly communicate with a person who is in a state of enslavement by aggression?

Simple tricks

Of course, it is damn difficult to conduct a dialogue with a person who does not control his own outbursts of anger. It takes a lot of patience and motivation.

And at the same time, there are some secrets, having learned which, you will be able to cope with the task more effectively and not take personally a portion of malicious sarcasm or irony, seasoned with a “kind” word.

1. Avoid fighting

Avoiding, I can really call one of the most effective ways to pacify both myself and a quick-tempered interlocutor.

Using it in practice and Everyday life, you, firstly, protect yourself from the flow of reciprocal "feelings" for which you may be ashamed in the future. And secondly, save yourself a couple of three nerve cells which will surely come in handy in the near future.

As they say, you should not stoop to the level of a fool, otherwise he will simply crush you with his experience. A similar situation with . The more you give your emotions and energy to the battle, the more you immerse yourself in the proposed atmosphere.

Never respond with open anger to anger. This will inflame the general situation even more and then the situation may reach the point of assault.

Sometimes it’s not a stupid decision to run away if you bother to get in the eye dangerous person with a knife in hand on the street. You obviously won’t be able to convince him with shouting, arguments and eloquence, and it’s very easy to lose control in such a situation. Therefore, try to leave the danger zone.

2. Adjustment

I also want to mention the tactic of joining. If you got into life complexity at work in which an important person appears, for example, the boss, then using " chameleon effect”, the chances of calming down with the help of such an action are doubled. What is the essence of tactics?

In no case should people who have fallen for the trick of aggression be brought to their senses with the words: “ Let's calm down!”, etc. This further divides you into two images: “overly calm, correct” and “crazy, rude, evil.”

Try to get yourself on the same wavelength as the screaming opponent. Continue the phrase in his style and intensity, after, gradually reduce the level to zero.

Using words spared, sarcasm and value judgments, you allegedly "sit down" in a boat with a person and together swim out at the mouth of a calm, measured river.

3. Self-control

As soon as you catch yourself thinking: How dare he talk to me like that! I need to prove myself right!”, then consider the battle lost! I suggest that you try to keep yourself in good shape with a correct and effective set.

It will allow you to put out your inner indignation and not lose your temper in order to disperse in the battle of two Egos. Use affirmations " I am calm, strong and restrained!», « I'm safe!". Remain calm and assure yourself that you will skillfully cope with the situation that has arisen, coming out of it as a winner, and not a “bazaar woman”.

4. Understand the motives for the incident

Ask yourself questions: Why is this person behaving like this with me?», « Why should my ears hear this text?". Cultivate the right response to anger by analyzing: What is the reason that a person who demonstrates aggression behaves this way? What really happened?».

Try to think objectively in your reflections. By understanding the motives of aggression, it will be easier for you to cope with the signals and interpret what you hear in a non-negative way.

It is possible that such behavior is caused by a completely different reason that has nothing to do with your personality. Without realizing this nuance, we often interpret what we hear at our own expense, which gives rise to aggression in response.

5. Correct body language in such cases

What actions to take next?

When you have fully focused on control, built the right protective affirmations and settled your body language, then the following advice from a psychologist will come in handy:

Try to figure everything out. Sometimes - to give advice, sometimes - just listen and give the person the opportunity to speak out on the case. Bring light and goodness to the masses! Only good can eradicate evil.

Friends, on this note, I have to put an end to it.

See you on the blog, bye bye!